In light of my phone call in the last hour my last post was pretty frivilous really. So yep I'm double posting tonight. I won't sleep if I don't blog this out here and now.
I got a phone call tonight from one of my besties. No big deal except we NEVER talk on the phone. I don't spend hours talking to my friends that live far away, we keep in touch via facebook and when I go to visit we have big ole catch ups like that. We have great friendships.
So anyway she starts chit chatting away about this and that..again unusual and the whole time I'm thinking 'why has she rung me?!'. Looking back now the poor thing must've been freaking in her pants and had the situation been reversed I'd been the same. So finally she goes "Um I have something to tell you, its not easy" and straight away I said 'Oh is it bad news?' and she kind of hesitated so I said 'well what is it" and again she hesitated and said she didn't know how to say it so I just guessed for her. Put her out of her misery. Pregnant. Again. Number 2. I figured it as soon as we started talking.
She said she wanted to tell me in person because she knows how hard I've been finding things and that its not easy to hear news like that. Immediately I told her she was silly for ever thinking that I'd be upset...all the while I'm crying down the phone and so was she!! Crying because I hate the fact that she felt uneasy about telling me.
So yep she's 12wks..which means when I was visiting her a mth ago she knew and she said she's been trying to build up the courage ever since to tell me. This is the friend I poured my heart out to. The one who I had the best chat with while I was there. She says the right things at the right time.
She is the best friend a girl could ask for!
It wasn't easy to hear but it never is doesn't matter how close or not you are to someone. I admit I got off the phone and cried. Alot. Not sad for because of her just ya know sad for me. Yep good ole selfish crying for myself because I'm not pregnant and because I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Because I just want to cry it all out to someone and to have them hug me and tell me its going to be ok. But I can't.
Hmmmm maybe its time I went to bed. I'll be ok in the morning.
You know its ok to feel sad for yourself. Unfortunately, as much as this thing is an individual journey, other people do become markers and reminders of the things that we strive for in life. You've been at this for quite sometime and have only just scratched the surface of the investigating side of things. It really isn't any wonder you can't see the light. Don't feel bad for feeling bad. It isn't selfish. It isn't as if you're having a cry because you didn't fall pg first go!! It also isn't as if you're sticking pins in a voodoo doll wishing her a terrible pregnancy. Take your moment - it is warranted.
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It's totally understandable! One of my best friends is due to give birth next week and it really depresses me sometimes. But at the end of the day, you're a good friend and I'm sure you'll be there for her when she needs you - which is the most important thing. Hugs!
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