Back to 'that' place

Well folks after a few weeks of being pretty level headed even with AF thrown in for good measure I'm back to 'that' place. That evil place where I've got my hate on everything and everyone. It often happens on a weekend. Must be because I have too much time to think while I clean or something.

To put it in a nutshell I'm fed up. I've had enough. I've tried my hardest to wait until the universe was ready for me to be a mum. I've tried to worry only about my journey and not judge myself on the journey of others. I've been positive as I can be after 19mths of this crap. But today I'm over it. OVER.

I best explain. And please I ask that you don't judge me. No, I don't ask I beg that you don't judge me. Read with an open mind. Try to please. I need to vent. Really need to vent.

Now I know the opinion of some regarding the at home sperm tests and thats cool I'm inclined not to trust them so much myself. Anyway.
So I got one to try it out. I had told the Fella about them and he thought we should try it out. And I thought well at least he's will to try some sort of test and I figured it would be negative anyway so then I'd be able to get him to do the real test faster. I know my logic is a bit screwed really but you have to really know him to 'get' it.

Anyway. This week we discussed the test again. Its been sitting around waiting for like weeks. He said "Well I suppose I better jizz in a cup this weekend" (he said the 'w' word but I can't bring myself to write it lol). So I thought great this is a go. Told him we needed to probably have sex a couple days before as we hadn't for like 3wks or something. Ya know so there'd be fresh ones there. So we did that Wednesday in preparation for this morning.

We get to this morning. Like early this morning. He said something about jizzing in the cup and I told him it was a test tube with a funnel rah rah. Then it became clear that this guy has some fears around testing because he said to me "you're not going to get all upset about this are you?". It threw me. Upset? Since when does he ever worry about that? (oops that came across like he doesnt' care which he does). I told him that if it were negative we'd probably need to get the real test done. But he said what about if its positive? I was like huh? He was worried that if its positive it means I'm the one with the problem.
Honey that's the least of my worries! At least I can control what I do about it if its me. Sometimes I wish it were me just so I can do something about it.

At this point I'm thinking FUCK. There ain't gonna be no test today. Then (yes it carries on) he said he'd have to do it while I wasn't here cos he couldn't do it knowing I was in the next room and knew that's what he was doing. Jeez louise the guy is so random. I suggested going for a run and he said I'd still know he was doing it. WHAT THE FUCK? If its not one thing its another. I even said I'd help him out but that wasn't even an option.

So no test was done this morning. Fuck fuck fuck. FUCK IT. I'd let him just do the test in his own time but he's gosh darn friggin colour blind! He wouldn't be able to read that colour scale accurately if he tried.

Yeah that set my day up reeeaaaal good. Piss on it. He knows somethings up too but I'm not talking about it. I refuse. What's the point right now when I'm soooooo wound up. I'm on the edge of tears constantly.

Bloody men. And now it begs the question. If he can't jizz in a cup in his own home with his Mrs in the next room how the fucking hell is he going to drive 2hrs to a hospital and do it in a toilet cubicle?

We're screwed.