Between Drinks

Too long between drinks.

The anniversary came and went. The weeks leading up were harder than the day. It's always the way. On her birthday I flew to Sydney with my mum and aunty. We spent the weekend there for a cousin's 21st.
It was a nice distraction.
Next year I'm going to be brave enough to make more of a song and dance about it. I think I'll feel ok to go for it.

What else to tell?

Well DH has been on a bit of journey. Had another melt down which then resulted in him finally admitting he's been depressed. He's often mentioned how he's been down that track in the past but I guess the whole time I've been with him it's not been as bad as this. I say that because he actually made some changes to try deal with it. It was great to have an open conversation about it, initiated by him.
That was back in April. He's been pretty good since. Especially since he found a new project - leasing 1000 acres of land to farm cattle. I've never seen him so enthused about anything. He's been buzzing about it all. I was a bit dubious as I felt he didn't need the stress right now and considering we'd just paid our house off I was kind of hoping to spend a bit of time travelling or at least being freer to do things. He, however, obviously saw that time as an empty hole which resulted in his depressive episode. So here we are. With another large loan and 1000 acres to farm.

Think I'll just go ahead and foster children since we're not travelling now. No point putting it off any longer. Just got to broach that subject with him lol. It would be good to get the training done this year then look at it next year. I'm currently back in the principal's seat so kind of tied to that until the end of the year.

And what else? Well we completely renovated our bathroom (didn't help DH's stress levels) and it's beautiful. Also did our laundry. Had a major hassle with the builder being a dick and having to find a new one but thankfully that's all in the past now. Next is gib stopping our walls (dry walling for those not in NZ) then painting. Then kitchen once I've saved some money.

Well that's about it. Best go look at my reading list - never know who's posted recently that I've missed.

Nearing 1 year

Wowsers I just read back on my posts over the last year. I had to stop. I was gonna cry. Especially the ones from just after. It was all a front. A cover. I wasn't ok even if I thought posting the positives would show I was. I was dying. It was dreadful.

And here we are nearing the 1 year mark. This month and the next are and will drag up their fair share of stuff.
Started with the colleague returning to school and being pregnant. Due in....you guessed it July. So that in itself brings up a whole lot of memories.
Carries on with events that happen annually. That last year I was pregnant at. This year I'm not and I don't have my baby with me.
Will continue as we reach the date we had our first rotten scan and the weeks that followed.
I have a name of someone to talk to. I just need to take the step to call. And I think I need to and one of the things I need to process is giving birth.

I don't even know where to start with that. I hate that giving birth brings up such fear and embarrassment. I know that's probably normal given my situation but I would so rather feel like it was a special moment despite the outcome.
Part of me feels ashamed about how I behaved and reacted in the moments leading up to having Paige. I remember feeling intensely fearful. Panicky even. I wish I'd understood more about what was going on prior. Maybe had I been at term this would've been discussed but I didn't get that chance. Mainly whenever I think of giving birth I remember being scared out of my mind and I wish my mum hadn't seen that. It makes me feel embarrassed. If I could do it over I'd have DH there and no one else. But we don't get a do over and that's why I need to work through those feelings before they eat me up.

Then don't even get me started with the guilt I guess you call it for the decisions we made. I know for us that they were the best decisions but it doesn't make it any easier. Particularly when articles pop up online about people who made the choice not to end their pregnancy or people just flippantly saying they'll take what they get. I don't necessarily regret the decision I just feel awful that we had to make it. Like I looked a gift horse in the mouth and this is what I get for it.

Don't think I'm making much sense.
Looking forward though, my beautiful friends have picked up on the significance of this coming month and approached me about doing something special in her memory. I am so touched that they would want to do this for me. I am a bit worried about how I might react at the time though but I've decided I'm not going to hold back. I've been holding back for nearly a year and if I can let it all out in front of people it might be somewhat healing.

Also DH mentioned adopting the other day. In passing he said I could adopt one day....lol....at least it comes to mind. I did say I thought we should foster children one day soon. I think he's into the idea I will probably just have to gently push him towards it. Sometimes I get the feeling he wishes it didn't have to be so hard and that we could just get pregnant ourselves.

Anywho that's my ramble for today.

Hormones aren't my friend.

Currently day 3 of my period and the hormones are playing havoc. Although in saying that I strongly feel that they only play havoc when I'm under pressure in other areas of life.
For example the period I had last month passed by without me even really noticing the hormones were around. This was also the beginning of the summer break and I was relaxed.
This time I'm back at work. I've got heaps on my mind and I just cannot find motivation to get going with anything. I feel like I'm walking in treacle.

Went for a run, a pathetic run, this morning. I'm aiming to do  a 5km run in Feb and was going really well but just this last couple of weeks I'm struggling to run 1km without having to stop. Bloody frustrating but I try to keep telling myself that at least I'm out doing something and that it all counts.

I really don't think our weather is helping. It's supposed to be bloody summer yet we've had nothing but wind and at times rain. It's been cold - eg 13 deg high today so how can anyone be expected to get moving and motivated with weather like that?

I just HATE, HATE getting into these funks. They drive me nuts.

On a more positive note I've booked a trip to Sydney with my mum and aunty for a cousin's 21st in March. Also happens to be Paige's day and my birthday hence why I originally took the time off. I decided I needed to a) be away from work for Paige's first anniversary and b) reclaim my birthday as not just the day after I lost my precious girl but as something to be celebrated again.

Anywho I guess I should get off the couch and actually achieve something. There's not many days of freedom left before I'm back to the grind stone again.
Catch up with my girls tonight that maybe that will help me out.

2017

Life goes on.

We've entered a new year and life just goes on. The festive season wasn't as hard as I thought it might be considering that I 'should' be looking after a 6mth old. I think I kind of just got on and didn't think about it much.

I still get pangs of sadness and anger. They're softening though. Which if I'm honest is a relief. It's a relief that it is getting easier to live life. In saying that I'm currently on summer break from work so that might be helping. I have no stress.

Stress....omg last term was ridiculous. I was principal while our actual one took a sabbatical for the term. She then fell pregnant and got really bad morning sickness. So what went from me having support in this new job turned into me doing it on my own and doing ten times what I was supposed to do.
Now there is the bloody issue of her taking maternity leave in June for who know's how long. And the expectation that I will take over as principal again. I've already told her I'm not interested. She understood but said we'd make a decision after the summer break. Even after a break I'm pretty strong on not taking it on. Honestly it was almost the end of me. I HATED it. I can't even tell you why I hated it so much. It's strange because I so thought that was my eventual pathway in my career but apparently for now it's not. The responsibility is just so much. As I say to the Fella I made the choice to do the role so made the choice to have that level of stress but I can also choose not to do it again and therefore choose not to be stressed like that. My feelings towards doing it are so strong that if I was expected to show up and do it again this term I'd consider resigning! Seriously I'm dreading going back to work because of that conversation that needs to be had and the guilt I feel around not doing it. People bang on at me about how I did a good job, why wouldn't I want to do etc which makes me feel like I'm a loser for not wanting to push myself. This time I will not be swayed though. My life is heading in a different direction right now.

We've almost paid the Fella's debt off so now get more freedom to do stuff. We need to be 'making the most' of being without children and how can I do that if I feel I can't be away from work. Every bone in my body is telling me that this isn't the time for me to make this career move. I need to look out for myself for a change. If the last year has taught me anything it has taught me that one thing. As a dear friend pointed out (bless her) the Fella and I are still a family even without children. She is right on point.

Anywho moving on from that element of drama.

The summer break has been amazing for recharging the batteries and I've been pretty good at making sure I do things unrelated to work. In fact I've not even opened my computer for work purposes this whole time which is unheard of for me! Come Monday though I'll get back into it.

Not much else to tell from here. Toying with the foster care idea again. Need to broach that subject with the Fella. Got a trip to Sydney planned in March for Paige's birthday, my birthday and my cousin's 21st. Still need to book tickets so should get onto that. If the Fella turns out not to be keen then I think we'll just go away somewhere in NZ. I don't want to go away without him over that time. Even if my mum and Aunty are also going to Sydney which makes it a bit of a girls trip away.
Gah what to do???

Hokey pokey till next time....

Feck the world and the camel it rode in on

God I feel like every time I come on here it's to write some really sad post. But I guess it's my vent space so I can do what I want.

On a whole I've been ok since we had 'that' conversation and made 'the' decision. I've managed to focus my attention elsewhere. Focussed it on travel plans and house renovation plans and anything but thinking about having a baby or not having a baby. And that's been ok.

Today I'm trying my hardest to deal with hormones of ovulation and the news that my boss who is also a very close friend is pregnant. After like 1 jump in the bedroom. Gah. Don't get me wrong I am so so happy for her. I'm glad it hasn't taken her long, that she's a fertile mertle. I knew it was coming. She gets terrible morning sickness so she decided that now would be the time as she's on study leave.

It just drags up stuff. Especially since yesterday was 16th October the date of my period when I did the IVF that got us Paige. I'm already dealing with 'stuff'. I'm dealing with memories from 12mths ago. She feels like crap like I felt like crap. She's going to experience the joy of kicking from the inside and she gets to experience it all the way to a happy healthy baby. At least I hope she does. I hope she doesn't EVER have to face what I have. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. EVER.

I feel so angry about the world right now. Angry. Furious. Why did I have to be the one who lost her baby after trying for so fucking long? Why do I have to hide my baby's pictures in a box because they're so not what people want to or need to see? Why do I feel afraid to say her name in case I make someone else feel uncomfortable?

Just fucking why?

End of the Road

I wish I was here to say I did IVF and it worked. I wish I was here to say I did IVF and it didn't work. But I'm not. I'm here to say that I did not do IVF at all as planned.

This month has been pretty intense to say the least. The Fella has gone through some health issues - heart palps, fainting etc. It was pretty scary and while we don't know yet what caused it all I'm pretty sure it was / is stress and anxiety. Or a thyroid issue. He's waiting for follow up appointments with a specialist to see if there's any underlying issue with his heart but I feel like there won't be - aside from the high cholesterol which he needs to get under control.

Then he had a huge meltdown. I'm not going into details but it was pretty epic and it happened the day I called in for my day 1. So on day 2 I called back and put the cycle on hold. I decided it wasn't worth that much stress over. It wasn't worth us wrecking a relationship over. The meltdown and the earlier stuff is all just a sign that we needed to have a conversation. We didn't have the conversation immediately which gave me time to reflect. Reflect on how stupidly pig headed and narrow I had been. I was so focussed on getting what I want. His meltdown jolted me back to reality.

Last week we had the conversation. It was pretty tough. His thinking was along the lines of maybe he should set me free so I can have my dream of being a mother because he just didn't want to go through more IVF and watch me face more disappointment. His thinking has always been he doesn't have the burning desire I do. My thinking was that no it wasn't necessary to set me free and ruined a good relationship of 12 years. He doesn't want to be the one who held me back but I told him that perhaps I just needed that push to stop because I didn't know how to say stop. I kept thinking of my family and their disappointment. Or the view of 'society' who doesn't really value the childless woman as anything much. Sometimes as someone who doesn't have children you can feel like because you haven't birthed, woken in the middle of the night countless times or had the responsibility of caring for a child, that you've got no idea about anything in life. I'm sorry but it's the truth.
How many times have I been told "wait till you have kids.....then you'll know"? I have lost count.

So we came to an agreement. We are together. We are moving forward. I hold nothing against him, I made that clear. I told him that if this was our path, that was ok but we needed to make the effort to do stuff because living our life we do now, where we work, work, work, for the rest of our lives was not cool. I asked him also if he's open to foster care, which he is. That helped me feel at peace. There's still a chance for me / us to be involved in the care of a child, helping a child in need.

I'm still to call the clinic to tell them what's happening. I needed a few days to let myself calm down so when I open my mouth to tell them I won't cry. But hey I'll probably cry. Other than that I'm not telling people unless it comes up. It's really none of anyones' business.

Since we've talked I've spent a lot of time changing my mindset. Stopping means a whole change in thinking. It's not all negative either. I've started thinking about places we can travel. The money we'll now have and how we can spend that on the house, garden etc. We've planned a little holiday for the end of his work season (February). We're thinking about either a trip to Auz or Canada next year.

Lots of grief has hit me again though. I wish with all my heart that we did not lose our baby girl. that my life would be different, but I can't change that so I have to face my emotions to help me move on. I keep saying I'm going to talk to someone and I know I need to but it's making that first step that's hard. This is because it's admitting defeat. That I'm not strong enough to get through this like I said I was. But if I look at it another way I can't bring myself to talk properly with anyone else close in my life. I don't want the Fella feel bad because I'm feeling shit, I don't want to worry my mother. My friends are amazing but do they really understand? And when I actually want to have a cry about it it's never while I'm around them lol.

So that concludes the last month. I'll keep this blog as it is. It's a record of the journey. Maybe it'll help someone else. I'm just sorry whoever that someone is doesn't get to read about the happy ending that involves a baby.

Evil hormones

Today I feel in a total different mind set to just days ago. I'm blaming those bloody hormones. They start about a week before AF arrives and carry on until she pisses off. So that's, let's say, 10 days of craziness.

Will someone remind me of this in a couple weeks when I start crying for no reason and feel like I might actually go insane? When I start doubting myself and everything, everyone around me. Seriously people that was a horrid 10 days.

God just imagine how I'll be on the IVF drugs lol.

So as I said I'm feeling rather settled in my mind today. I feel level. I even have a tiny bit of hope creeping in there. Hope that the blanket I started knitting two years ago will actually be used for it's purpose that it was originally intended. Dh has said it's too small to be of any use even if it is a baby blanket (would fit in a basket for now or over carseat) so I ordered more wool and will try to make it bigger so it fits at least a cot. I figure I can keep adding to it anyway, even if it doesn't get to it's intended purpose.
I have a tiny bit of hope that I will give birth and it will be a live baby. Right now when I relive giving birth to Paige, the memories I have aren't what I'd like them to be. I remember fear and being scared because I didn't know what was happening. I hadn't had that preparation in terms of discussion about the stages of labour and what happens. At the time maybe I wasn't prepared to hear it but in hindsight it might've been helpful. You live and learn.

In less than a month I will be walking down the path of IVF for the last time and although I try to be realistic, I'm also trying to remain positive. It  worked with this recipe last time as in using this IVF recipe I got pregnant. I carried that baby fine and would've until term. My body knows what to do. Even when I had the first miscarriage I had to intervene because my body didn't let go as it should've. When I think of it like that it's not a case of getting pregnant, it's making sure that little embie gets to the heartbeat point, then to the 12wk point and then grow properly.

I can do this. I can end this almost 7 year journey by being pregnant by October and making it to the end. I can achieve my dream.

I can do this.