Evil hormones

Today I feel in a total different mind set to just days ago. I'm blaming those bloody hormones. They start about a week before AF arrives and carry on until she pisses off. So that's, let's say, 10 days of craziness.

Will someone remind me of this in a couple weeks when I start crying for no reason and feel like I might actually go insane? When I start doubting myself and everything, everyone around me. Seriously people that was a horrid 10 days.

God just imagine how I'll be on the IVF drugs lol.

So as I said I'm feeling rather settled in my mind today. I feel level. I even have a tiny bit of hope creeping in there. Hope that the blanket I started knitting two years ago will actually be used for it's purpose that it was originally intended. Dh has said it's too small to be of any use even if it is a baby blanket (would fit in a basket for now or over carseat) so I ordered more wool and will try to make it bigger so it fits at least a cot. I figure I can keep adding to it anyway, even if it doesn't get to it's intended purpose.
I have a tiny bit of hope that I will give birth and it will be a live baby. Right now when I relive giving birth to Paige, the memories I have aren't what I'd like them to be. I remember fear and being scared because I didn't know what was happening. I hadn't had that preparation in terms of discussion about the stages of labour and what happens. At the time maybe I wasn't prepared to hear it but in hindsight it might've been helpful. You live and learn.

In less than a month I will be walking down the path of IVF for the last time and although I try to be realistic, I'm also trying to remain positive. It  worked with this recipe last time as in using this IVF recipe I got pregnant. I carried that baby fine and would've until term. My body knows what to do. Even when I had the first miscarriage I had to intervene because my body didn't let go as it should've. When I think of it like that it's not a case of getting pregnant, it's making sure that little embie gets to the heartbeat point, then to the 12wk point and then grow properly.

I can do this. I can end this almost 7 year journey by being pregnant by October and making it to the end. I can achieve my dream.

I can do this.