Who am I?

I read my last post. Whenever that was.

I've made my decision. One more IVF in my next cycle, so mid August. I paid the cool sum of $13,000 today for it. That makes $39,000 I've thrown at it. Wow I don't really like looking at it like that.

Fuck it. It's only money. And if it doesn't work well I get to have the joy of working out the rest of my life, same shit different day and within 9mths I'll have that back in the bank account so yeah whatever.

Anger. Seems to be my latest emotion. Along with crying in the car on the way home from netball. I feel frustrated and angry. If it's not at the fore then it's simmering under the lid waiting to come out. Not prizes for guessing why I'm angry. I had the golden prize but lost it. I'm not having to try yet again, hedging a lot of money on a hope.
The more I think about it the more I just don't know what I'm going to do if this doesn't pull off. And that suspends me in a holding pattern because I can't even think past mid September when all will be revealed.
I dread working. I wasn't supposed to be working now. I was meant to be having a baby this week and living that life I always wanted to live. At home with my children, cooking delicious meals, keeping my house clean and tidy. I loved my job. Everything about it I enjoyed, even when it got challenging. Now I guess I do like it but there are some aspects I just dread. Maybe it's just the stress that gets to me.

I just don't know who I am anymore. I am trying to not let grief define me but I don't know where I fit in my world. I want to just forget. I don't want to be 'the person who lost her baby'. I know I don't have to let this define me but it has changed me and I suppose I have to find a way to get through and discover who this new person is.

But yeah anger (one of those stages of grief) follows me closely. Sometimes I get so wound up that I panic, stress out and there's just 'noise'. I try so hard to hold it together that I just get more wound up. Then I cry. Over stupid shit. Then I try to analyse why I'm crying. Trying to find a reason, trying to blame myself rather than any thing else.
It's a vicious cycle.

I need to blog more. It might help keep my head in the right place. I'm lucky I have lovely people around me. But sometimes I feel alone. Horribly alone.

My due date was this weekend coming. I'll get through that. If I don't feel better after it's passed then I'll get help.

Here's hoping it passes.