I feel torn....

Gah today I feel absolutely torn. I just don't know what to do. What does my life ahead hold? I feel so lost.

On Friday I had an appointment with the FS to schedule our next IVF. Now I find myself second guessing. Am I making the right decision? I know DH would happily not and wants me to draw a line after this time if it doesn't work. I know that a line needs to be drawn. I'm just scared that my life now is how it's going to be. That I'm going to be forever suspended in this zone of mourning what could have been all because the fact Paige didn't grown how she was supposed to. 4 mths ago I was living the picture life. Finally I was on track. Why did that have to get ripped away from me?

So I'm afraid. Afraid to try again and have it not work. Afraid to try again and it does work and the stress that'll bring. I'm afraid to be out of control of my life and the hard times that will come emotionally.

I know that this cannot control my life for another year. I need to know that from next year my life will be one way or another. I hate that I cannot even open my mouth to talk about it with DH because I'm so afraid that I just cry because I don't know what to say or even how to say what I'm thinking. And then I'm afraid about what DH is going to say and the fact I might not like it.

So I'm torn. Do I do one more IVF and put us through more stress thus putting more pressure on our relationship? Or do I quit and forever live in this suspended universe?

I have to make a decision and I have to have a conversation with DH.