2017

Life goes on.

We've entered a new year and life just goes on. The festive season wasn't as hard as I thought it might be considering that I 'should' be looking after a 6mth old. I think I kind of just got on and didn't think about it much.

I still get pangs of sadness and anger. They're softening though. Which if I'm honest is a relief. It's a relief that it is getting easier to live life. In saying that I'm currently on summer break from work so that might be helping. I have no stress.

Stress....omg last term was ridiculous. I was principal while our actual one took a sabbatical for the term. She then fell pregnant and got really bad morning sickness. So what went from me having support in this new job turned into me doing it on my own and doing ten times what I was supposed to do.
Now there is the bloody issue of her taking maternity leave in June for who know's how long. And the expectation that I will take over as principal again. I've already told her I'm not interested. She understood but said we'd make a decision after the summer break. Even after a break I'm pretty strong on not taking it on. Honestly it was almost the end of me. I HATED it. I can't even tell you why I hated it so much. It's strange because I so thought that was my eventual pathway in my career but apparently for now it's not. The responsibility is just so much. As I say to the Fella I made the choice to do the role so made the choice to have that level of stress but I can also choose not to do it again and therefore choose not to be stressed like that. My feelings towards doing it are so strong that if I was expected to show up and do it again this term I'd consider resigning! Seriously I'm dreading going back to work because of that conversation that needs to be had and the guilt I feel around not doing it. People bang on at me about how I did a good job, why wouldn't I want to do etc which makes me feel like I'm a loser for not wanting to push myself. This time I will not be swayed though. My life is heading in a different direction right now.

We've almost paid the Fella's debt off so now get more freedom to do stuff. We need to be 'making the most' of being without children and how can I do that if I feel I can't be away from work. Every bone in my body is telling me that this isn't the time for me to make this career move. I need to look out for myself for a change. If the last year has taught me anything it has taught me that one thing. As a dear friend pointed out (bless her) the Fella and I are still a family even without children. She is right on point.

Anywho moving on from that element of drama.

The summer break has been amazing for recharging the batteries and I've been pretty good at making sure I do things unrelated to work. In fact I've not even opened my computer for work purposes this whole time which is unheard of for me! Come Monday though I'll get back into it.

Not much else to tell from here. Toying with the foster care idea again. Need to broach that subject with the Fella. Got a trip to Sydney planned in March for Paige's birthday, my birthday and my cousin's 21st. Still need to book tickets so should get onto that. If the Fella turns out not to be keen then I think we'll just go away somewhere in NZ. I don't want to go away without him over that time. Even if my mum and Aunty are also going to Sydney which makes it a bit of a girls trip away.
Gah what to do???

Hokey pokey till next time....