Putting the testing or lack of, the investigations or lack of, the choosen choice of fertility support I am taking aside, today I feel helpless.
Please remember what we're putting aside for the sake of this post because I know what needs to be done. I know because believe me I have thought about it trip after trip after trip to and from work.
For today I feel helpless. I didn't wake up feeling helpless. I didn't even really think of ttc this morning. I did my usual stuff got in the car turned on the phone and off I toddled.
Once I hit cell reception my phone started getting msgs. I started reading some. One from my cousin was one of 'those' messages. I tear up now thinking about it. Another one bites the dust. Another person who will have a baby before me. Who will become a member of that club I'm not. Its the ones closest to my heart that break it the most. I'm happy for her. She had a miscarriage not long ago but then doing the maths maybe she didn't miscarry like they thought. Who knows? Anyway.
I'm not enjoying the person I'm becoming. I'm becoming less able to hold back the awful thoughts I sometimes have in my head when I hear someone's pregnant. I try but the sarcasm in my voice sometimes can be heard. I try to keep it to conversations with the Fella. At least he will snap me out of it or say something witty to make me smile again. I love him. With all my heart.
I just want to go home and crawl into bed.
I want to be done with this.
I don't feel myself. I've been extra anxious. I can't seem to relax. I feel like I'm always forgetting something. I feel some overloaded that I don't whether I coming or going.
Thankfully I'm having my next lot of testing done this cycle. Bring it!
Nothing to say. Been there. Felt all those things...and much quicker than you did so you are more resilient than you give yourself credit for. Just want to convey some great big virtual hugs. I know they don't have the same snuggle and warmth as the real deal but they are the best I can give you given thee is a great big freaking ocean in the way. Xxxxxxx
ReplyDeleteSo sorry you are feeling so down. xx Sending lots of virtual hugs across the ocean. I know those feeling all too well, but don't give up hope yet. I know it's easier said than done (because I wanted to give up all hope a million times through my time TTC) but you will get there. xx
ReplyDeleteI have those days... those days of "what has infertility turned me into?" And I hate it. The ugliness, the bitterness... it's normal. It happens to the best of us. I think that somedays we have to give in, and somedays we have to say "no, this is who I want to be".
ReplyDeleteSorry I don't have anything real constructive.
I'm so sorry you're in the dark place. I hope the testing helps you find some footing, to feel like you're making some progress, doing something constructive.
*HUGS*
((hugs))
ReplyDeleteI hate those internal feelings! I hate those moments when they take over and we can not see past them. I hate the way these feelings mask all the good ones we can have and the way we feel like we 'should' be feeling for others.
The nice part is that most people will not hear or see those feelings on the inside. We are better than we think we are when it comes hiding the truth from the outside.
Open up here and to those close to you, don't keep it all in and don't doubt that you have a right to have these thoughts and feelings.
Keep focused on those tests and be positive about them!