I am battling demons again. I'm winning but there is a battle going on. Sometimes (like last night on the drive home) where I feel like I have NO-ONE who understands this IRL. And everytime I talk about it I feel like I am complaining or being picky or something (that I can't quite express right now).
Last night as I drove home I actually considered seeing a councellor about all this shit I feel. I hate that this awful jealous TTC demon rages inside of me 99% of time. I hate that 1% of the time I let it escape even if it usually is in the company of myself.
Yesterdays demon trigger? My friend E. We were driving home from netball training discussing the fact she had been ill all day. I told her that she should not go to work so everyone else didn't catch it when she said that she didn't think it was a bug. You could almost see my mind ticking over! "When was your last period?" I asked to which she replied not since Christmas!!! WTF? So I asked if she had tested....yes and the whole test turned pink. By this point she was getting out of the car at her house and cheerily said her goodbyes and shut the door.
Gee...thanks mate.
Her story goes like this...E is single but has this guy she casually hooks up with on rare occasions. Most recently this was Xmas Eve. No E is a bit silly and doesn't take BC and they didn't use any protection, however she got the morning after pill. I knew all this pretty much after it happened as E and I travelled to Australia together. I just assumed she got her period and we were all honky dory. Apparently not.
I battled those damn jealous TTC demons all the way home. I cried. I sobbed. Heck I almost screamed. By the time I got home I had let it out. The demons have been put back in their place.
I haven't talked to her about it again yet. I'm unsure what to do. I don't want to pressure her. I don't want to hate (and totally love her) her for accidently doing what I haven't been able to do trying. I know that if she is she will just get on with life and deal with it. I don't get how she isn't pregnant. I just don't think that not being pregnant is actually an option. You don't be regular to suddenly not be for this length of time. You don't spend all day throwing up and looking like death when no-one else is sick.
I am so jealous yet so worried for her. I'm afraid to talk to her incase my own emotions get in the way. I'm afraid to not talk to her for fear of not being there for her.
Oooooh I hate feeling like this! Frick it I'm just going to bite the bullet.
Edited to make sense and add.......
So I went to talk to my friend and felt much better for it. She said she'll test again but thinks that she just has a bug because she's only just started feeling like this and feels like butt warmed up. She is hoping the morning after pill is screwing with her cycles. I'm not convinced by that. Anyway I made sure she knew that I was here for her if she needed me. In her usual way she'll just deal with whatever happens. She will still go to Aussie regardless.
I'm glad we talked. And rest assured I will keep a close eye on her.
I know I've had a whole slew of friends become pregnant (all unintentionally) while we have been TTC. It is tough because we love our friends/family, but it is hard to be an excited as we might have if IF hadn't touched us.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you handled it very well. You felt your jealousy and frustration but didn't take it out on her.
And if you think talking with a counselor would help, I would encourage you to go for it. EVERYBODY has issues. It doesn't make you any less of a good person.
You're in my thoughts {hugs}
Oh that lovely green demon...other than love I think it is the strongest and most dangerous emotion we have. It can break you down and ruin you. It can make you think and do things you thought you never would. Just plain horrible to feel like you can not control this part but he point is that you can’t. We all have jealous demons and if we can keep them contained long enough to find alone time then you’ve done all you can.
ReplyDeleteI understand where you are right now. When my BF got knocked up we were not yet trying but my demons raged like an angry sea. I was planning a wedding and still had times where I broke down in pure rage and jealousy. Now they have said they hope to try for their second next year and my rage has resurfaced. In my head I decided they wouldn’t wait that long that it is a matter of time before they lap us. But the truth is I don’t know this, I love her and her family and will love any baby they bring into this world. But I will still have my days, as will you.
I also think we are more in-tuned to ourselves and find it astonishing that someone could wait this long and know really know if they are pregnant or not. The other day I asked my BF when she found out and she was like “oh I think at 6 weeks, you know, the average time”. I gasped out loud when she said this. I found it truly impossible to understand how you could go 6 weeks without knowing – but another truth is, that is the average for most people. And while it feels almost stupid to us that they don’t know its normally.
You did all you could by telling her you would be there. Just remember to take care of you and cry when you need to.
(sorry for the long one here)