Out of Contrizzel

BFN - second morning pee. Startlingly negative. Glaringly negative. I am absolutely positve it was negative.

AF however did not magically arrive once I peed on said stick. She is still to show. I have cramps or rather lower abdominal discomfort so I'm assuming she's coming.

I am only 12dpo but last cycle and the one before that etc all started either the afternoon/evening of 11dpo with spotting or for sure morning of 12dpo. I guess my high progesterone is making AF late and taking its time to come down.
I mean surely if I were pregnant then it would have shown.

I am pretty gutted cos naturally I kind of had my hopes up. Its hard not to when you're told what you're told even if it was only a small chance. When you've been in the game as long as I you tend to take hold of any chance.

The fella is adament I shouldn't test until Monday. He reckons that AF will be here by Monday. Damn him for probably being right. He doesn't know I tested yet. I'll be amazed because that makes it a perfect cycle....Ov CD14 and a 14 day LP...random for me.

Anywho I guess to look at the glass half full here at least I know I make good progesterone and its probably what makes me so nuts with PMS.

Urgh I just don't know how much more I can't handle in this TTC game. I'm scared of the fella getting tested cos obviously somethings wrong somewhere. I'm scared of needing further treatment. I'm scared that the fella won't want to go that far.
I'm terrified I'll never be a mother!
I'm terrified that I won't ever be able move past this whole chapter in my life.

I hate feeling like this.