Never Jump To Conclusions

TTC is one big rollercoaster ride and lately I feel like I've been stuck on the loop de loop over and over. Its got to the point that I have enforced a tww break from forum posting, kind of like I had to with the blog. I had just become too intensely focussed on it all and its not healthy.

I'll explain why.

Rewind to Tuesday. In the afternoon I had my phone appt with Felicity. Didn't really go so well. My Oestrogen has dropped. Yep dropped. Granted it was a couple days earlier than the prior test but it had dropped significantly. This is an indicator that perhaps my cycles vary that much in pre-ovulation (can't be bothered going deep into it) so up up up the dose of cream went. Progesterone had dropped but not enough yet. That's ok though it will. Things are still not quite right though.

I asked about testing the boy. I can't request tests for him, well I can but her point was that he has to want the tests. I can't go guns blazing order these tests only to have him dig his heals in. She is right but I was bummed. She said for me to talk to him and if he agrees ring the clinic and get the test kit. They take bloods and saliva tests of hormone levels and go from there. I asked about sperm testing and her recommendation was if he did anything was to wait until 3mths of treatment with her.
*side note* - I realise that many if not all of you reading will not agree with this, I don't necessarily either, but I'm only saying what she said, to give the full picture. Lets remember that this is a form a alternative therapy.

So that was that.

I felt rather dejected. I had really hoped that something had improved and was FINALLY going right.

Anyway I can home and managed to rather calmly have a conversation with the Fella about it all. We discussed options. I explained the testing options for him. The possibly steps for me. The idea of seeing a conventional specialist etc etc. We've really been able to discuss this stuff recently it not be 'hard' for me to say what I really think. Although he didn't close the door when it came to the testing idea he didn't exactly come across very enthused either. He was of the opinion I should continue working on my plan then focus on him when that's right. I did point out that sperm take x amount of time to respond to change and that it makes sense to work on it at the same time (if we even need to). At that point I just left it for him to ponder.

And that is the point where I mostly like started to crumble.

Tuesday was CD14. The day before I got a positive opk and from Sunday I'd had ewcm. Tuesday I was ovulating. Due to various reasons our last 'session' was Saturday morning (CD11) so we really 'needed' to get down to business to have any chance. I had thought I'd made this pretty clear. Evidently not. Long story short he went to bed before I. I came to bed and he was snoring his head off. Being the ttc crazed woman I am I cried myself to sleep. I cried. Because my boyfriend didn't shag me. How pathetic is that? Normal people don't CRY when they don't get sex on a particular night. Jeez louise! I guess the pent up emotion of the day, week, year, who knows got the best of me. I was WILD. Livid. Mad out of my skin. It took all my energy not to scream. Another cycle wasted. It was at that point I decided I needed to take my life back and focus on something other than ttc. Even if just for the tww. Hence the forum ban and probably limited blog posting.

It actually took me until today to properly calm down from it all. In my nutbar brain and where I was at at the time all I could think was that he didn't give 2 shits about timing it right, or doing anything remotely like effort in this whole thing. Totally over thought the whole thing giving a man more credit that its worth pretty much.

Fast forward to today. He says to me something along the lines of it being 'that' time of the month again and we'd best be getting jiggy tonight. I just shrugged and smiled then mentioned it would just sex for fun. He questioned why and I told we'd missed that bus. He was genuinely shocked. What? Missed it? How did that happen? I said remember that night (you went to bed early etc) that was it. We really only have that little bit of time? Yes dear. Like a couple days? Yes dear.

Oh well why don't you just tell me when it is then?

Say what?

Yes people when it comes to men never jump to conclusions because 9 times out of 10 the conclusion will be wrong. 9 times out of 10 he went to bed because he was tired not to avoid sex. 9 times out of 10 he doesn't read your subtle cues that its mating time.
You have to spell. It. Out.

What more can I say?