Well thanks goodness schools out for a couple weeks and even though I always have to go in do some work it never feels like a chore. Man did I need that term to end. Its been tough sometimes I just wanted to scream and yell about the fact that I wasn't pregnant cos in reality as much as I love my job I've had my heart set on a change ie a baby for 9mths and that fact that if we'd nailed it the first time round I'd be having a baby now...
But we aren't so will not dwell on that. I just wish it didn't consume my mind all day. Interestingly on a website I visit one lady posted a question about whether or not we should all just chill out...she totally read my mind! It was great to have someone voice exactly what I was thinking. The more I read the websites the more I think I've definately got something wrong with me when in reality that's probably not the case.
Obviously the easy way to solve this problem is to go get checked. I even ran this past my fella the other day (about me getting checked) and he said just do what you gotta do ie please do something before you do totally mentally insane!! But then I decided to leave it one more month and try everything I can this month.
I've even cut my trip home to see Mum and Dad short a day as I know I'll be building to o day according to FF and want to get some BDing in lol. Secretly I'm rather frightened to go seek help for many reasons.
1) Its admitting we have a problem.
2) I'm afraid of the process to find out if there's anything wrong.
3) I'm afraid of what process we have to go through if there is anything wrong.
4) in conclusion I'm terrified!!
My now pregnant friend (another sore point right now) suggested I talk to my Mum cos it could be a helpful insight into things. But I just don't think this will be helpful..I'm reasonably certain my mother did have trouble with baby making as I know with my younger brother it was a case of forgetting to take the pill on holiday and hello baby number 2 is on the way! With myself I'm not sure but figuring she quit the pill about the time she got married and I came along less than 12mths later I'm picking it wasn't that hard! My grandma ALWAYS goes on about how grandad just looked at her and she was pregnant...fail much??? I know its dumb but its how I feel!
And I just know how my mother will react (ever so comforting and nice and lovely) and I just don't know if I'd beable to hold it together and hide how much this hurts me cos the truth is it bloody hurts.
And oh I am so jealous of the pregnant friend right now (I love her to bits though!!). But I must keep positive or it will never happen :)
No comments:
Post a Comment