Is it over yet?

Hey team.

I didn't think I would get to this point in my journey. This point where I feel like I just want it to be over. I want to stop the ride and get off the bus already. Maybe its because I'm tired beyond a joke. Maybe its because my bloke is away and doing this shit alone ain't fun. Maybe its because there's shit going on in my family that isn't nice.

Maybe its my hormones.

Maybe I get like this every time I have treatment.

So to unpack it all.

It's week 11 of school and I am shattered. Like wanting to crawl back into bed as soon as I get up tired. But part of me worries that I am feeling slightly 'off centre' because I am alone for the near future. I won't used the 'd' word because I don't want to take anything away from people who genuinely have to deal with that however I'm certainly not myself and motivation is lacking.

I'm terrified. This shit is getting serious now. An actual embryo is going to be put into my body and there is an actual chance that after a week I'm going to get a positive test (or not). Both scenarios terrify me. Scenario one where I actually am lucky enough to get pregnant. I'm terrified of how my life will change even though I've had a good part of 5 years preparing for this. I'm scared our relationship can't survive it. It feels really wrong that I should feel this way.

Scenario two where I am not pregnant. Yes we have one more to go after this but if that doesn't work I don't know what happens next. I'm tired of all this hope and disappointment. But I'm also scared to make the decision to stop and then regret it. People there's something seriously wrong with me....I'm considering living without children!!!!

Essentially I really just want the transfer done so I can know the result and do what I need to do to get on with life. I feel like I'm treading water.

I am presuming some of these feelings come from the fact that the Fella is away still. I worry that we'll grow apart from not seeing each other for so long. I've spent time assessing my life, our life together and so on. I realise from being alone that I am too busy and its not fair on us as a couple. I did tell him this the other day and he said it wasn't an issue, that was what worked well for us if that makes sense. I guess we both like our independence. BUT what conclusion I have come to is that I am BORING. My life has become same-same through the fault of only myself. I am so focussed on work and all this other shit I belong to and feel obliged to be a part of that I can be such a stick in the mud for a good time. Usually because there is ALWAYS something work related to do or community related. I just want to stop and smell the roses more. Enjoy life more. (Maybe turning 31 has fucked with my head!).

As for the shit going on in my family. My grandma has a fall, broke her shoulder, they diagnosed her with dementia and she already has oesteo arthritis. She's been in hospital for 2 wks now. Then they found a 20 cm 'mass' in her stomach. Now you tell me what else that could be if it's not cancer? Exactly. She's smoked forever. It has to be bad news but there won't be any knowing for a couple weeks. She's in so much pain she's all confused from the morphine.
My mum is with her daily but I worry about my mum - she'll be finding it hard to see her mother going through this.
So...I'm upset that my grandmother is so ill. I'm upset that my mum is having to go through this. It plays on my mind constantly. That and the fact I'm living alone so can't just drop it all and go to see them. I've got responsibilities. There is one cat and three dogs that need caring for. I will go but just have to wait until Easter. And then what plays on my mind is the fact that 'the' blood test will be around then. I'm not sure I want to know the answer on that while I'm surrounded by my family dealing with my grandmother issues. If it was just going to be me and mum then yep ok. But it's possibly my brother, his GF, my nephew and Aunt all there too. This isn't how I saw myself going through this.

Me oh my I'm down in the doldrums.

Ok where we're at treatment wise. I had bloods on Wednesday then bloods and a scan Friday. Bloods again tomorrow. I hate not knowing what's next but trying to have faith in the process. In the next week I assume that the transfer will happen. I hope tomorrow is the last lot of bloods!

Anywho. I will go before I get any deeper into the woe is me's lol. I'm sorry - I am actually on a whole ok just unsettled :)