Tell me it's normal...

I got my period. 

All hope that by some miracle Saturday's blood test was going to be a good result has gone. 

I was fine but today I'm not. 

I just want to crawl into a hole and not come out. I'm angry that my body wouldn't do what it was supposed to properly. I feel like a failure. I feel like the hope that I had that one day I would become a mother has been ripped away. Now I look to the future and......fuck I can't even look past the next few months right now. I can't even think about next year or years down the track. What if....ugh I can't even say it. 

Yes I know that I have another embryo (and I'm lucky I have that) however right now I'm just going through the motions of life. I have no motivation for anything. I half heartedly did some gardening but I really couldn't be bothered with it. I should be doing some school work but can't be bothered. I cringe at the thought of the phone ringing or people visiting because I can't be stuffed putting on the face of someone who's life is normal. My life isn't normal right now. 

I feel like I might go mental at any moment. 

It wasn't even a baby. It was just cells. What is was, was a positive pregnancy test and THAT's something I've waited 4 1/2 years to see and I DIDN'T get to enjoy it. My first one EVER and its tinged with hurt. I'll never get that first again. 

The Fella has been amazing (which I've mentioned) he rang yesterday to see how I was. He wants me to get progesterone support. As he said there's nothing worse than getting a few months in and losing a baby. Maybe that wasn't the problem but I think everything needs to be thrown at it this time. I have one more shot before considering what happens next. He wants to look at adoption. I want to pay for our next cycle. He doesn't want to throw money at something if its not going to work. And he's right. If nothing is going to change then why throw 15k at it? The stupid thing is we'll probably have to pay that if we look into adoption because of lawyers fees. And very few NZ children are adopted each year anyway so looks like we're fucked  both ways. 

See. This is why I am so wretched. 

I think I will get the ball rolling on adoption regardless because if our one embie works I still want more children and adoption takes time so might as well get it going. 

Fostering children is also an option however I think we need to wait until the mortgage is paid (in 3 years) so I can look at stopping full time work to care for the children we'd get. 

So much going through my head. What is worst is work. IVF is not work friendly. And now that we're doing ANOTHER FET it looks like my first scan will be day one back next term. Not helpful. 

I've got the specialist calling me on Monday to discuss things. And the nurses will call Saturday with my results so I am going to ask when scans will be so I can book it in well beforehand. 

Ok now I've had my woe is me moment and a cry I'd best actually do something.