An update

So I owe an update.

Its been quite the week.

Like the most stressful thing I've endured for a looooon time. And I don't think i was fully prepared for that part of it.

Driving a minimum 2.5hr round trip to get a 5 mins blood done because our town doesn't do same day. Doing that for 4 days straight and having to rush back to work most of the time. Having to drive a 3 hour round trip for a scan.

Agonising over telling my parents who were coming to stay because chances were I'd been heading off over the weekend to get the thing done.

The Fella having a complete melt down at the eleventh hour.

Needless to say it has been hard. By Friday night I was exhausted after all that and a hectic week at work and expecting people for dinner on Saturday night because low and behold I turned 30 in amongst all that.

I knew I was stressed because I couldn't eat. I felt sick to my stomach all. the. time.

In the end I came clean to my parents. Who were estatic despite my meltdown on the phone lol. Mum ended up driving me to the 'thing' but I sent her for a walk while I was in there. She wouldn't be there traditionally so why now?

But on the way I ended up having a conversation with the Fella on the phone and he was having a right meltdown about not knowing if its what he wanted etc etc etc. He got quite upset and hung up so I gave him a bit of time and called him back. He ended up telling me to go ahead but I could still hear that edge to his voice. I totally didn't know what to do. In the end I just did it. And decided that what will be will be.

I got home and he seemed ok. Wasn't sure if that was because my family was around but he has continued to be ok. We haven't talked about it since. Its like the elephant in the bedroom right now but that's how we work. I'm too afraid to bring it up right now. I guess when we get the result in a couple weeks it'll come up again won't it. And whatever that is we'll have to face the next step.

As far as the 'thing' went it was pretty quick. Being quite emotionally charged I was quite detached and kind of surprised by what I was feeling. Its a complex set of feelings which i'm not ok exploring at the moment. I cramped for a bit afterwards but that could've also been freaking out over the mornings events that caused that. I've had a few twinges since but I'm not reading anything too much into it right now.

Yes its hard not to think about it but the rational side of me knows that its way too early right now to be anything.

One thing I have decided is that if I'm feeling good I'm going to test either the night before the blood or morning of. I want to know and it should show by then given my luteal phase. Thankfully my bloods are at the weekend so there will be no rushing in that respect.

Ok time to go. Its too much to think about. Thankfully I've got a wonderful group of supportive friends and I know that things will be ok.