Post 400

Holy batman I'm up to my 400th post!

Pity I don't really have anything substantial to write about. Just having a multitude of emotions and thoughts swirling around in my head.

And I don't even know how to start putting them into order. Its huge. That can't be denied. Its mind exploding.

A long time ago I stopped imagining that I would ever actually be pregnant. I had to do that to protect my mental health. I couldn't function with the wishing and hoping anymore. If you've been in the game for a while you'll get what I mean.

Then Friday came and I sat in the couselling (my apologies because I've been spelling that wrong for too long and knew it but couldn't fix it) session while she talked like we were actually going to end up with a baby, that this was going to happen and I was busy having an out of body experience. The whole time I sat there a little detached from it all, talking honestly, answering questions but always thinking this is months away....or does he (the Fella) actually mean what he says?

The thing is, with him, that I will never know exactly how he feels. I know him well enough that I think I can trust him to be honest with me and I know that if he REALLY couldn't live with this decision then he would have said. I know this is a huge compromise for someone who never saw themselves with children and is now having to go through this. I could never love him enough for that. Still I just can't settle and worry that at any point he's going to back out because its become too much. We still haven't talked since the session on Friday and that's ok. He's sooooo caught up in work right now that he's likely not given it much thought. Hopefully some of what we talked about has helped him get his head around it. Through talking about people we know as potential donors we got talking about his family and how he has a half brother through his dad's second marriage as well as a step brother his Dad adopted from that marriage. I truly hadn't even really thought about his family that much and right then it took on a whole new light. His family isn't conventional - the counsellor totally pointed that out in her own round about way. I totally hadn't even looked at it like that. Then we got to talking about where we live and the millions of unconvetional families here and THAT took on a new light too.
When we got talking about donor's and what motivates them to donate the Fella said that he wouldn't donate himself so feels a bit wrong asking someone else to donate for him.

Anyway...enough trepidations for now. Mostly I alternate from freaking the fuck out that I had a trillion work things to do in 8 days before my op, and that I ALSO need to get bloods done and a swab AND counselling and I feel a bit of pressure to do this sooner rather than later because I don't want to behind the eight ball if our name gets called up! And then when I have 5 mins to think my mind starts wandering. And I get excited! Excited that sometime after school goes back next year our name will be a the top of the list. Excited that this is actually going to happen and thinking positively I will have a baby from this. Optimistic that the hard times are nearly behind us. We hit 3 years a couple weeks back and 2 of those have been HARD. Its nice to think that life will not always be like that. I have to keep positive. We've had to face some of the shittiest times with this journey to a baby surely our time has come for the good things.

My head is swimming.