Seriously brother?

This morning I am seriously tired. I was all set to drift off after finishing off a spectacular book when I got a text from my brother. The text contained some web address thingy which I followed to find ( cue gut sinking now) a picture of a scan.
Oh the joys of it. Their 20 week scan where they discovered its a boy. Well done bro.
As we have limited texting here I sent a Facebook MSG with the usual words all the while gritting my teeth and thinking not so kind things about my current life.
Then I cried. Pathetic huh? Then my mind went into over drive and I really wanted to scream at him about how I don't want to see his 20wk scan when I have to wait 52weeks to even have a chance!!!
I have soooo many conflicting emotions. I'm torn between wanting to do the right thing but feeling like I just don't have the mental space to do so and wanting to hate him for having what I want most.
I don't hate him but I don't have the mental space either. I don't have the energy to paste on a happy face at the baby shower which will no doubt happen and being his only sister I will be expected to be at. I don't know if I can spend Xmas day looking at the bump and forever talking baby. And how the hell am I going to Cope with meeting this kid for the first time? I already know now that I won't be rushing straight to visit. It's going to be hard and I'm going to need time.

God I sound so melodramatic but of everything it's the thing messing me up the most. Never mind donor sperm that's a walk in the park compared to brother beating you to baby. Up until last night I was sweet as. Things had settled and we were good. This is a little hump in the road.

But I did realise I'm emotional drained and that there isn't much room left in my mental capacity for more.

Anyway I'm sure everything will be ok in the end. For now I'm getting out of bed and enjoying the fine weather while its here, I'll have a nap later.