Ramblings and the like

Just been bawling my lil eyes out. Long story short - I had posted in the ttc forums that I belong to about male factor and one person suggested I read a blog about the well known radio couples journey and the subsequent current affairs programmed that filmed their 4th IVF attempt. So I did and I cried when it didn't work for them. I don't want that to be us. Fullstop.

I don't allow myself to think that far ahead at the moment and if my minds wander its all roses and lollycake because I have no reason to believe otherwise. For now in my head the reason does not lie with me so why, once the sperm finally meets its egg, should it not work? and stick?. Call me stupid but I have to hold on to that right now.

All this is assuming there is actually sperm to meet an egg.

Don't get the wrong idea. I am not falsely getting my hopes up.

Anyway.

I did a bit more goggling (yes I purposely spelt it wrong) last night and found this rather helpful video explaining exactly how the man bits work lol. It was really informative. I had never really considered how it all works. Then I found this helpful e-book which talked about getting pregnant and how to cope with infertility. It outline the process which happens for both partners when faced with infertility testing and more importantly man testing. It helps to have a wee idea of what the steps might be for us. I also read up a bit on ICSI which can be quite successful apparently, especially if the male component is the only bit on the blink.

I'm a tiny bit worried about this whole hormone issue I've been dealing with. For now I've stopped the oestrogen cream because a) I've almost run out and need another script and b) I don't see the point. I will continue with the progesterone for now though because I saw huge benefits from that in terms of PMS. And whoa mama we don't want to go back to those days. I also need to actually ring the lady and have a talk with her. No doubt she'll try to tell me he needs to be seeing her and that she can help him but alas we will not be taking that road. All I want to know is whether there's any point to me continuing with her especially if IVF is our journey. Anywho I was saying I was worried...am hoping that it doesn't affect my ability to carry.

Oh yeah and the hospital rang and left a msg on Friday regarding our referral. Totally bummed because I forgot the check the msgs when I got home at 4.30 because if I had I would've been able to ring right there and then. So that's my mission tomorrow. Hopefully they're ringing to give us an appt time! Totally hadn't expected they'd ring within a week so I am pleased.

I may have mentioned that a friend is having her wedding in France in May 2013 and I'm hoping to go. I've said to her I'm likely going to make it but part of me is now humming and haaaing over it. I have almost 30k stacked away in the bank (I don't mind sharing my financial status with you all). I religiously put away $400 per month and should be putting more away so sometimes I put extra in the acc. Its the type where I have to physically go to the bank to get the money and can only do one withdrawl per month so is perfect. I started it once I paid my car off about 6 years ago. I have to point out that due to the nature of our relationship the Fella and I don't share finances as such. Although in the eyes of the law we are entitled to 50% of each others 'things' anyway so it doesn't really matter. But anywho he owns the house and I pay all the utilities and food bills. We help each other here and there...he'll pay for new tyres, I'll pay a bill of his here and there. It all works out in the end. Moving back to my point about the savings and France. Originally I started the savings for a new car and/or retirement or travel or maternity leave. The Fella is conscious of income and I wanted to prove we could survive with me not working for a year so I saved and saved. So yeah I've got this money saved. Its enough for a trip to France AND probably 1 round of IVF using ICSI with some change left over. Part of me is saying go for both THEN the more sensible aspect of me is telling me that I should forget France because I REALLY want this baby thing to end well and I feel quite irresponsible spending 15k on IVF and another 10k on a month overseas. Even though I'll NEVER have that kind of money again and probably never have the reason to head overseas like I have now. Does any of this make sense to anyone out there?
Some will be thinking if the baby is both of ours then why should I be paying all the costs? Simple answer is that the Fella runs a business and he's ALWAYS overdrawn. He can bring in the coin but it goes right back out on mortgage and business expenses. He works harder than anyone I know to keep things going (as he likes to remind me the roof over my head). For him to find an extra say 5 or 10k is ridiculous when I have it saved.
Part of me is thinking of not going to France because if we get as far as IVF and it works then we're going to need all the money we can in the bank. Part of me is thinking live life now because you just never know what's around the corner.

Argh my heads all over the place on that particular topic!

Anyway. I had better give ya'll a break. If you managed to read the novel then kudos to you!