So there is nothing much to tell from here obviously. After our eventful week last week this one is a rather quiet one.
Still filled with quiet optimism for now. I hate this waiting game but I'm in a MUCH better head space than say 10 day ago.
I don't feel that pit of never ending despair any more. I'm not staring down the barrel of depression because even though I don't suffer 'depression' as such I was definitely sinking into a hole that I would have struggled to get out of. I feel lighter and my ability to smile despite the situation is returning. My head feels clearer.
As weird as this might sound I am relieved that I can think ahead to what's coming up in my life without wondering if I might be pregnant by then. The disappointment of reaching each event and not being pregnant can go now because I know that its not going to happen unless the big guns are involved.
New anxiety is evolving though, however its not taking over yet.
New things start to plague my mind like what happens if there are no sperm hiding away. How will I cope with IVF. I'm worried about the drugs, injections and taking pills. I don't do pills very well, infact not at all. I'm worried that the IVF won't work or I'll lose the baby. I'm worried that all I can afford is one cycle and that we won't qualify for public funding.
Although I'm in a better space I still wonder what life will be like in 12mths time. Will I be STILL waiting to be pregnant or will I be FINALLY waiting for my baby?
If only I could see into the future....
It does make a difference to have a reason. Standing on the outside and watching the same end result when you're apparently healthy and "everybody" else seems to be able to do it is just plain frustrating, confusing and hurtful...putting it mildly. A reason demystifies it.
ReplyDeleteYou got a big road ahead so try and enjoy this reprieve. Try being the operative word there. :-)
I was just thinking, do you read Daryl's blog?
ReplyDeletehttp://soonafamily.wordpress.com/
They are dealing with male factors, she could be a great resource of information and support :)
I can't imagine how difficult this all must be, but I'm so glad that you are getting answers. And I'm so amazed at how calm you sound!