Moving Forward

Well blogger has been bad ass to me this past week so I gave up trying to post. I wrote a seething complaint...again and seems that the issue has been fixed as of now....hopefully.

Anyway. This week has been rather big. And its only Wednesday.

I so wish this was that post where I say I am FINALLY pregnant.

It's not. And its unlikely that I'll be posting anything remotely like that for some time and I'm unsure how I feel about it all.

On Monday the Fella got the test done. I didn't want to come right out and say it last week because I was sure he wouldn't actually go through with it and that something would come up. I was wrong and he did. I was relieved and terrified all at once. A whole new world of stress decended on me instantly. Stress about when we would get to the doctor to get the results. What would the results would be. Etc Etc. The fact we weren't married and I figured they wouldn't give me the results over the phone also weighed on me.

The Fella surprised me no end this week. He claims he got tested finally because I kept on at him. Fair call, I wasn't nagging but I did keep bringing it up. Once he'd done the sample, which I will add he did, alone, in some country hall toilets while I sat in the truck, he drove like a bat out of hell to get the sample to the lab within 30mins and made comments like "Don't shake it!" and "Keep it warm!". So the test was dropped off and we went on with our day. He asked when the results would be in. Asked me again yesterday and suggested he could ring them himself and find out once and for all. I know he was shitting himself about having to provide another sample because the one he gave wasn't really his best 'effort' shall we say.

Today he spent half of his day trying to talk to a nurse at our doctors surgery. He rang at 8.30 when they opened and waited around 4 hours for them to call. Then missed their call. Then had to call again. He was pretty over it by the time he finally got through to them. He called me at something like 3.30pm because they wanted us to make an appt to see the doctor. The results are not good. They are Bad. The nurse even thought he'd had the snip. I don't many details. The Fella reckoned there is nothing. Nadda. Not a swimmer to be found.

Wow. Doesn't get easier to say that. I'm trying not to panic. Infact I KNOW panicking will not help right now. I arranged an appt for Friday to see the doctor. I had to deal with the fully booked unless its urgent kind of rubbish we always deal with there. I was ready to admit defeat and just make the appt next week, however the Fella had really pushed for this week. I don't blame him. So I explained that he'd just been speaking to the nurse who wanted to make the appt for him however he couldn't without talking to me. Then she clicked and got me the appt just like that.

And that's where we're at. I have barely spoken to the Fella about it. He's out and I haven't seen him. I wish he'd just come home so I could see him. I just know his imagination will be running wild and he'll be thinking that that's that and we have to explore other options. He'll be thinking that 'other options' is adoption (something he's ALWAYS been for) or sperm donorship. Me? I'm hoping that the sample wasn't enough. But I've also done some reading and know that this is not the end.

Like I said I'm unsure how to feel. I cry a little bit here and there but I'm unsure why exactly. We don't have all the facts. I was ok when he told me then went to ask my boss about cover if I needed it for the appt and started to cry. What a dick.

Thankfully I have  a workmate/friend who has been through similar fertility issues and successful IVF.
I've had plenty of time to get my head around the thought of IVF. When you've been at it for this long you kind of start getting your head around some stuff. Adoption...unsure about. Donor sperm...not so sure about either. I refuse to believe that its that bad.

Guess we just have to wait and see.

And to top the day off I've started spotting...3 days early. What's that about?