The Art Of Strength

Busy.

Great way to describe life right now.

Its also been one of 'those' weeks in the world of ttc. 3 babies bore. Yes three. A friend last weekend, a cousin on leap day and another cousin on Friday. The last is the cousin who's like my sister.

To turn on FB day after day and see that is hard with one baby let alone 3. So yeah this week was hard. Its been a real test of strength. I try to be strong, I really do. I try to stay positive, not let it get me down too much. Probably didn't help AF arrived on Monday. That wasn't helpful at all. Anyway so I had to deal with that...3 babies.

Now we move onto the other stuff. I turn on FB and hello a friend is pregnant - this friend has extreme endo going on. Took them like 4mths. What a joke. Don't get me wrong I don't mean she's a joke. Yay for her with her endo and being pregnant for sure that's great. I mean my life is a joke. So there was that.

Then this weekend I went to my friends engagement party/baby shower/30th Birthday. She's home from the UK from a month so celebrated everything at once. She's due in June. She's the one who had PCOS and accidently go UTD with the IUD in. I know. My life is a joke.
I was already feeling fragile and knew it would be hard but I was ok. She's one of a couple friends who really 'gets' it so I love her for it. It was a big party and lots of our friends were there. I was actually ok and happily chatting and hanging out with everyone. Then one of them drops a bomb that another one of our friends is pregnant again. They weren't saying anything as didn't want to steal the thunder but it was still a topic of conversation. Clearly because I had arrived later and hadn't really been on contact with anyone I didn't have a clue so it hit me hard. Like real hard.

It took all my strength to not cry. I've never felt so argh in all my life. You know when something happens and everything around you is drowned out by you're own thoughts? That was me. People are carrying on talking and here I am zoned out and trying my bestest not to cry into a puddle on the floor. It threw me and I didn't recover well. I had a couple drinks then stopped. A friend wanted to know why, I couldn't tell her without the chance of crying so I just told it was for my mental health and I'd tell her later.

The friend the party was for could tell I wasn't ok. We had a wee chat about how things were going. She's so understanding even given she's UTD herself. I hope I didn't make her feel uncomfortable or anything. Anyway she kept asking if I was ok and I don't think I did a very good job of convincing her I was even though I tried. What I wanted to do was sit down and talk it out, to cry, to be understood. Anyway it came time to leave and since I won't be seeing her again I gave the hug goodbye and promptly cried. It was the kind of cry that threatened to start and not stop so I had to work hard to recover. Stupid thing is I always cry when I say goodbye to her! I think she could tell then that I wasn't ok.

I'm tired of having to be strong. I'm tired of pretending that I'm ok, of trying to convince people that I'm good as thanks. Sometimes I hear myself and I think...I am so boring. I have nothing to share because my life is in a constant state of on hold. That I don't dream. I don't want to think forward. I don't want to look towards next year or the year after that because I'm scared that I won't have my baby by then. When people ask I tend to just laugh it off in a casual yeah what ever kind of way. I do that because it seems kinder than bursting into tears every time I talk about it.

So yep that was my week. Here's hoping this week isn't so full of babies.

PS - apologies for not commenting on blogs. I've been super busy and selfishly caught up in my own head drama. I am thinking of you though xxx