Usual Freak Outs

CD11 bloodtest number 2 done and here I am having the normal treatment time freakouts.

Well was. Think I'm through it now.

I had the old "Why the feck am I doing all this driving and testing cos we all know it will fail...again" freak out this afternoon.

It washed over me like a wave in the tide. The sinking feeling that starts in my heart and goes all the way to the bottom of my stomach. The thoughts of how will I cope, react, live if this time it doesn't work. And it's only 50-50.

And this is even before I've had any actual treatment.

Then I reflected a bit. I reflected that stressing about it (and work and life) is not going to help me at all. I hate the say 'relax and it will happen' when it comes to ttc but I do believe that there has to be something to it. There are certain things I can't 'relax' about. I HAVE to have bloods, I HAVE to go to the city for treatment. It WON'T happen naturally. But I CAN relax about the fact I have to drive. I CAN take myself away to another place in my mind while I drive. I CAN leave some work related things to lie for a bit. The world WON'T end if I do. I CAN stop worrying about how other people perceive my strange behaviour at this time.

I CAN believe that this time might the time. I CAN be optimistic. and I CAN cross the bridge when I come to it and not before.

Ok it may end in tears but I will focus on that when it comes. If it comes.

Maybe what I'm having the most trouble comprehending is the fact that after 3.5 years this month might be the month and I'm not sure I'm mentally prepared for that......

I'm so prepared for failure that I have no idea how I will actually react to a good result.