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I've just spent a few days with my family. I've a billion blogs to read. I'm mentally washed out.

Mentally washed out. Like Sunday morning 'is this what a breakdown feels like?' washed out. Seriously. Sunday morning I woke still crying from the night before. My eyes were puffy and hurt. I was crying like someone had died and I thought to myself....is this what a break down feels like? I totally felt like I'd hit rock bottom.

The night before I should have realised something was amiss when my mother was so set on ringing my brother in Australia even though she only spoke with him the week before. This is not a normal practice when I am home. So she rings him and chats away for some time then hands the phone over to me. Nice. I chat to my little brother for a few minutes then he drops it. The bombshell. He says 'Do you want to hear some good news?' ....who ever says no to that? I figured he was going to tell me he got engaged. Then it came...."You're going to be an Aunty".

Wanna know what my first reaction was? "BULLSHIT!" I totally thought he was joking so kept saying you're kidding me, you're kidding me while looking frantically at my mother, for her to tell me it was a joke and it was ok.

Except it wasn't. And its true. And I fell apart. Selfish me, the bitch, fell apart. Granted I waited graciously until we'd got off the phone but I tell you it was HARD. Like the hardest thing I've EVER done. Naturally I said my congratulations but I was just so SHOCKED. I managed to blunder my way through further talking, god knows how. I suck at hiding the fact I'm crying. I couldn't wait to get off the phone and when I did holy mother of mary I barely got the phone disconnected before the tears came. Right there with my mum watching, helpless to make it better. Blithering on about how she'd wanted to tell me last week when he told them but Dad insisted brother told me himself.

I cried and cried and cried. I cried selfishly for me. I cried because I felt guilty about crying. I cried because I felt guilty that my mother felt so bad for and couldn't enjoy the news. I felt like a failure. That was my DREAM to give them the first grandchild. I have spent hours dreaming about how I would tell them and how delighted they would feel. Except now I'll never get to.

Mum was wonderful and understanding. Dad came home part way through my 'moment' and asked what I thought of the news which only started me up again. Think dad was a bit perplexed as to why I was behaving so strangely....not what he'd expect his nearly 30 daughter to be like at the news of being an aunty and I suspect that perhaps he has only recently been made aware of the trouble we're going through. I had thought he probably thought I was a bit ott but then as I left today he hugged me tight and said he was sorry I was having so much trouble getting pregnant and if I ever needed any support financial or otherwise that they were there for me. And then I cried some more. My darling Dad. I love him so much. I wish he could make this better like when I was a child and afraid of the dark.

You'd think all that crying with gay abandon would have made me feel better as it often does but no it didn't. I honestly felt like I was teetering on the edge of losing it the whole time I was there. I could barely think about my brother without becoming upset so any mention of his name.....
I love my brother, he's all I have but this has just blown me for six. I so didn't realise he and his gf were even that serious. The way she spoke about children when I met I thought it was way off. Unsure how planned this was but I think there was an element of planning behind it (obviously not the planning some others require).
God it hurts so much. Its like a nightmare that just won't STOP. I know I sound rather melodramatic about it all. And I am happy for them, or I will be once I've done a bit of soul searching. I only hope that their relationship is strong enough. I know my brother and he is well raised. He is loyal and he will not let his child down. I hope that he has sense to get out of the relationship if its not working.

I guess it had to hit the fan at some point. I was stupid to think that I was ok after hearing about the Fella's results. Clearly I was not and this was the tipping point. I was optimistic about our future now doubt has crept in.
This baby is due in March. That's gonna make a great birthday isn't? And it'll probably turn up on my mums birthday and that would just perfect!

And whoa - snap me out of it now. I cannot start having such nasty thoughts or I am never going to get through this.
Again. I know I sound demented. And jealous. This will pass. I have until November to practice my happy face.

Hopefully by then we have a way forward.