AF cranked up this arvo. During our work trip which was a mystery trip that ended up being to a very famous in NZ brewery and was AWESOME!!.
I wasn't surprise about AF . I went prepared. I mentioned the cramps the other day so I knew she was coming, despite the lovely optimism of people who read this (thank you xx).
So AF arrived and I've come to a conclusion. This isn't going to happen on its own. The time has come to realise that natural isn't going to be our method of conception. Its better that I start working on accepting that before 2012 hits. This next cycle is a write off now and its not even CD1 officially. I'll be home for xmas when ov hits and the fella is adament he's staying here to see his grandfather and mother. That's ok and its fair enough but I just have to get my head into that space. It means I have a whole month of fancy free drinking and the like (no I'm not as alco as I may sound lol). And hangon I don't even hold out from drinking anyway. I always have more than 2 alco free days, infact its more like there might only be a couple days where I have a couple drinks anyway during the week.
Anyway. During my conclusion reaching I also came to realise that I will probably not have a 2012 baby. Clearly if this isn't happening naturally then its not likely to happen early in 2012. I'm pretty certain that I will be 30 before I have a child.
This then begs the question. Is this karma? Did I bring this upon myself? You see when I first me the Fella and when we became serious I told him I wanted kids before I was 30. Little did I know that I would be 26 when I started and now at almost 29 I'd still be childless. He was all for not even starting this until I 29 because to him that was 'before I am 30'. Never did I think that having kids before I was thirty would be THIS hard. NEVER. I always thought I'd be onto the second one well and truly by thirty. It guts me that I will potentially be 30 yrs older than my child. I never wanted to be that much older than my child. My mum turned 40 and I turned 17. How cool is that? Mum's now 51 and we've both well and truly flown the coop and yet she's still young enough to enjoy this time. I envy that.
I know its not the end of the world and I need to work on getting over my 'life plan'. Its clearly not happening. I'm in charge of my destiny and I'm made my life decisions. When the Fella and I broke up for those 2mths 5yrs ago I chose to go back to him. The ball was in my court. I could have chosen to not and pursue someone else who was on the fringes but my heart was in too deep. I don't regret it by no means at all but I'm just saying I had a life plan and its clearly on a different path.
Anyway what I'm trying to say is I've hit the wall. Until we get a chance to man testing we ain't going nowhere. That's ok I just have to put it out there.
And in that sense I may not have much to post about. Who knows?
Anyway I'm tired now and need to go to bed.
Stop punishing yourself lovely. It isn't karma. You didn't do anything wrong. Fertility is lottery. Some get the million. Some get the rubber chicken. Then there is everyone else in between. There is no discrimination. There is no logic. It just is. You've been dealt a rubber chicken and that's what you're going to have to work with. No point wondering what ethereal madness brought you said rubber chicken cause there is nothing mystical about it.
ReplyDeleteAs far as progress goes you can still get yourself checked out for a proper full hormone panel etc. you may even be able to start clomid without having him tested for the interim. Just depends on your specialist.
Noone expects things to be hard. No one talks about this stuff. People are more aware about erectile dysfunction than infertility. It is a cultural fail and goodness knows how we overcome it. Regardless, you're here now and you are amongst the enlightened. Congratulations. You will appreciate the life you make in a way that the general populous will never be able to.
Chin up. You're awesome. You can do this.
Xxx