I'm feeling particularly emotional at the moment and actually I'm willing to admit stressed as well.
I watch a video someone had posted on FB of a guy proposing to his girl on the london overground. I cried actual tears. Not just welled up I cried. Then I'm watching Ext.reme Make.over and again welling up. Then I start thinking about the school work I have to do today and I just have no motivation (not crying over it though). Oh and if I start thinking about the weather right now....omg.
All rather bizzare. Although not a new thing. I often cry over things. I'm happy...I cry. I'm sad...I cry. Angry, embarrassed...you get the picture. Why am I upset over the weather? Well the Fella's currently involved in spraying paddocks for cropping. The weather of late has been rainy, sunny, windy, rainy again. Not condusive to spraying. He has a list as long as his arm of clients waiting. It stresses him out. In turn this stresses me out because well I don't know why maybe because the topic of conversation is limited to the weather and his wish to work and the fact he hasn't worked properly for sometime.
So there's that stress.
And then there's that pesky 2ww. I'm 6dpo and I'm just hanging out for the next week to be over. I hate this crap. I hate that deep down I have a glimmer of hope but I don't want to have that hope because I just get disappointed. And I feel a little lost on this whole ttc thing at the moment. The news that my london friend is utd so easily despite pcos and a coil just rings more alarm bells. I'm not dumb and I already knew this but 2 years trying is NOT normal. It just isn't. Like I say I knew that. But the more and more I see other people just getting pregnant 'like that' the more and more I know it. I think what scares me with that knowledge is knowing from blogs, forums, friends and the like what comes next. It frightens me no end. It frightens me that if it takes that kind of effort for the first that it will take that for the second.
I guess I feel directionless. I'm floating aimlessly. I can't make a decision about what I should do next. I can't decide what angle I should push the Fella to make. I feel guilt for not pushing him to take his vitamins lately. Then I think well other men live worse lifestyles and have babies easily. But then I think about his back issues and I worry that could be the issue. And then I start internalising that whole 'I'll forever be the friend without children' issue and that I will eventually have no friends because of it.
Stupid thoughts I know but I have them sometimes.
I am trying my best to stay positive.
Hey lady. First of all *BUG HUG!*
ReplyDeleteSecond: You're feelings are perfectly natural and valid. Don't sell yourself short for having them!
Third: I am sure you have said before, but what tests/doctors/holistic professionals have you done/seen?
I know that taking the steps for tests etc can be scary. It can be scary for both women and men. But I think that 2 years is MORE than enough time to have passed, for you to pursue some answers.
I asked my husband for his input on how to motivate your Fella. He said he was nervous about it too, but you lock the door and watch some porn. (insert silly boy laugh here)
He said that his fears likely come from two places, either that he is nervous about getting "off" in public, or that his fear is that it is his "fault". But if he does have some issues with his sperm, it may very well have NOTHING to do with vitamins or anything he has done. But by KNOWING, they can address it! Hubster said that he basically needs to get to a point of sucking it up.
I don't know if any of that is helpful? Have you considered talking with a therapist or other neutral professional to help mediate this very necessary conversation?
Awww, sorry you're feeling so down! I just wanted to tell you you aren't alone in how you feel - I've had all those exact same fears and worries - November marked two years of ttc for us so I totally understand. I think its ok to be a little aimless - mostly because the next step is a big step. We're giving it another year cause we're just not ready, ya know? Have you read the book The Secret? It has helped me stay much more positive:) Hang in there!
ReplyDelete