I decided tonight on the drive home that maybe I'm sick of staying strong. Sick of putting on a brave face with the people I care about. I'm over saying the same thing everytime someone asks how its all going. Sick of holding back my real feelings.
Sometimes I just wish that I could fold in half and let it all out.
The angst, the stress, the guilt, the fear, the worry, the pain.
But. If I start I'm afraid I won't stop. I'm afraid the tears won't stop and that I'll be forever this weeping mess of a person. That I'll lose forever the person I am.
Me being me tomorrow I will get up and get on with it. But for now I'm getting it out. I'm not crying but just need to put it out there.
2 cousins have announced pregnancy in the past month. My mum is making quilts for a family friends grandchild. She's making a quilt for them because hey she ain't got none of her own to make them for (oops and here come the tears).
Had an interesting conversation with the Fella just now. He said that maybe we would have to accept that we can't have kids one day. I told him that I wasn't giving up. He asked for arguments sake what would happen if he had no sperm. We discussed the different options. The options if there were sperm issues right through to no sperm. Then he said that he believes everything happens for a reason. I asked him what was our reason. He doesn't know. I understand where he's coming from. I know him and how he works. I was too upset to continue the conversation. He doesn't know that. It just ended. I'm not crying or anything although am finding it hard not to.
Everything happens for a reason sure. But pray tell me what is the reason that prevents me from becoming a mother? What reason? What have I done? Which wrong path did I choose in my life? If I am not to be a mother what am I to be? What has my life got in store. I'm 28 for fucksake. I've spent my ENTIRE life hoping, dreaming, waiting for the day I would get to be a mother. When I became a teacher I never intended on it being a life career. Don't get me wrong I love my job and I don't intend to ditch it but it was always the thing I was going for a few years until I got married and started the brood.
Hmmm. Not really going how I planned is it?
Oh hon, things never do, do they? You'll get through this. It's way too soon to know what's going on with you guys, so it's too soon for the what if's (though I know they are inevitable even at this stage). You'll cross whatever bridges you have to when you come to them. Until then, cry as much as you need to. It's your right.
ReplyDeletexoxo
The answer? There are none. There are no reasons either. I hate that phrase - "everything happens for a reason". It makes everything sound so final.
ReplyDeleteThe real question is "why not now". It doesn't say that it will not happen or that it can't. It does however leave the door open for "when" and "how long will it take". We might not ever know the answers but I can not just let myself believe never. And when your fella asks questions like this remember its in his gene make up do ask these things. He might not necessarily believe them but to him asking them now is a way to make you stop crying and see past it all to brighter days.
My heartaches for you right now. I have said these same words and cried these same tears. And there are days where I do still do. This shit is hard and so flipping unfair.
You might not want to do it in front of others, but instead set sometime aside for yourself, fold up and cry hard. If you have to deal with these feelings the least you can do is let yourself cry about it.
((hugs))
Well, I wrote up a whole reply that was rather eloquent and blogger ate it :(
ReplyDeleteI remember that feeling, last fall, while going through my miscarriage. This feeling that "I have to keep it together, if I fall apart, it will be like humpty-dumpty and I wont be able to be put back together again!" But the fact is, you CAN get put back together. That is what your friends are for. Maybe you don't be honest with everyone, but you need some people you can be open and vulnerable with, who can be a shoulder to cry on and give you hugs.
I wish I could give you a hug in real life, but the best I can do is a virtual hug.
{{{HUGS}}}
Things never do go to plan do they? So frustrating!
ReplyDeleteSometimes it's so hard keeping a brave face and I feel like answering to people that, I feel crappy and am sick of waiting! I hope you feel better soon!