Heart

Happy for today - it's the weekend and I get to take a breath. My fav netball girls are coming to visit tomorrow. I weighed myself and I am lighter. My beloved started the firewood mission for this winter and a lovely neighbour dropped off a rose for my garden.


xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Today my mum left to go back home. I've been wanting her to leave but not if that makes sense. I needed her to go so I could start thinking forward but when she actually went I felt a little bit empty. And with my love out for the morning, it left me with only myself and my thoughts. I guess I have to face them at some point.

Right now I feel like I can't begin to process it all properly. Well I can. I can handle the fact we had to let her go. The practical side of me knows that what happened is for the best. When I let my mind wander though I start to think over the week we lost her and the heartache that went with it. I think over and over about giving birth to her and seeing her and how unfair it is that, this is my first experience of birth and becoming a mother. What if it's my only experience?
And then of course I start thinking about the months to come. I only let my brain go there is small bits. It becomes too much to think of it all at once. Thoughts related to 'I was supposed to be doing this...' right now come along and try to overwhelm me but I don't let them.
I'm finding it easier to just focus on a week or two at a time. Maybe it's better for me that way. Not always looking so far ahead and being in control of what's to come in the months ahead. Perhaps a little bit of unknown and going with the flow might be in order for a while.

Nothing about what's left of the year is what I thought it would be. I have to adjust to that. Nothing about anything in the future is what I thought it would be a month ago. It's fricking awful but that's how it is.

And now my biggest fear is that I will NEVER get back to being a happily pregnant person looking forward to her baby. I am forever changed now. Before it was getting to that magic 12wks now I will not be able to rest before 20wks. I will spend the first half of a potential pregnancy living in fear that I will be struck for a third time by some awful situation. AND that is IF we even get to be there again.

It's such a bloody minefield of emotions.