Envy

I have much to say. I've had a great few days but this post is only short because I'm on my phone. 

Our nephew's partner had their baby yesterday. A girl. 

I expected it to be hard to hear, to know she'd arrived. But only 5 weeks after I gave birth to my baby who wasn't meant to be it is actually excruciating. I've sent the congrats msg to both them and my sil but now a few hours after I find myself thinking and getting upset. A sad longing washes over me because in July that was meant to be me too. People were going to be telling me my baby was perfect and gorgeous. I was going to proudly announce to the universe that finally I'd won my battle with the fertility demons. 

Except I'm not. And I didn't win. Instead yesterday I bought a chain for my pendant that is the physical evidence of my baby. I brought a memory box probably designed for a joyous occasion where babies keepsakes are kept but this time it isn't. I got home today to a parcel with Paige's photos in. The only other physical evidence I have that she's real. That she was here for a moment. 

And then there's Mother's Day. Oh good god spare me now. Just another 'thing' to get through of course. 

And I got my period already. Like one week after all the birth business dried up. So my hormones are up the crack today too. 

I'm a bit over it. Best get to sleep.