I must say, I am certainly being well looked after by the midwife team here in my town. So far I've had two home visits and they would like to visit again next weekend after my few days at work.
Today one very lovely midwife popped by after seeing my Friday. She wanted to check how my boobs were, which was great because those puppies are feeling the effects of the birth as you'd expect. They're definitely milked up despite the medication they give you to try and suppress it. She had some great advice for dealing with it - sage tea and massage in the shower to remove the hardness and lumps. Hopefully within the next couple of days they'll settle down as they're rather sore and larger than one is used to.
She also raised an interesting discussion with me regarding future pregnancy. Now most people in the thick of what comes when they've just lost a baby probably wouldn't be really into this type of discussion but for whatever reason I'm ok with it right now. Maybe it's the light at the end of the tunnel that allows me to cope? Who knows.
Anyway she had a suggestion should we be planning to try and get pregnant again. Her suggestion, due to history of miscarriage amongst other things, was that I contact a person practising natural fertility north of here. This lady she spoke of sounds amazing in what she has achieved. In her 20 years she has had only 3 cases of miscarriage in people she has treated. She stands by her results to the point her phrase is no baby no pay. From what I can tell from her website she is a holistic type person who investigates almost every cause of fertility issues in a person that she can and gets the person into tip top shape to conceive. What appealed to me about this particular holistic person (cos we know there are plenty of them out there!) was the fact she works alongside and towards IVF if that is what the person needs. Often I've come across practitioners who aren't on board with IVF.
What the midwife said about this lady and her views really sat well with me and made perfect sense. And I truly think that given this is likely going to be the absolute final attempt for us to get our precious baby then I have to try everything. I'm horribly guilty of not really focussing on my own health pre- ivf in the past, preferring to just carry on with the drinking on occasion and probably eating not so well. I figure that now is as good a time as any to get onto a good health buzz. I've not had alcohol in months naturally and that's my biggest one to work on. By no means am I a huge drinker and I might drink on the odd occasion but I still think it's worth sticking off it. And the fact she likes at least 4mths prior to conceiving to work on health is also appealing. I can't see us going down the route to IVF in the next 4mths, even 6mths so I might as well focus on being the best me I can be.
Does any of this mean I've forgotten and buried the events of the past two weeks? NO. Not in a heartbeat. I think of my wee Paige the first moment I become aware of the breaking day and I think of her until sleep overtakes me late at night. I see her tiny face with teeny tiny eyelashes and her perfect hands and surprising large feet at the end of long legs. I wish every single day that I didn't have to say goodbye to her like I did. As soon as I knew she was a she and the Fella gave her, her name she was mine, she was ours. It didn't matter she didn't take a breath or open her eyes. I felt her move and kick within me. It breaks my heart each and every day that I am here, no longer pregnant and nothing to hold in my arms, boobs aching to feed but nothing to feed. I shed a tear every night for my little girl that wasn't meant to be on this side of life. And I wish, oh how I wish this didn't happen. I wish I didn't have to go through the next few months feeling empty and rethinking what my life is like this year. Of course I do.
However I also have to look forward. I will go insane if I sit here and over think the situation. I have to find some good in each day. I have to have some hope that one day I WILL actually get to have a baby in my arms.
I have to have hope.
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