Roll with the punches

So I haven't blogged in a while because I've been FLAT out and right now I should really be doing school work..namely my application for the course next year however I felt its time for a post. And sorry I haven't commented nor read any posts from the last 24-48hrs which if you follow many blogs you'll know is a mission to catch up on.

Anywho.

Soooo its been a bit of 'week' really. Quite a bit to process and a fear tears spilt.

We got 'that' letter from the fertility specialist. I never truly believed that it could get any worse for us. I mean we're not that unlucky surely right? Well apparently we are. The Fella's hormone tests came back not that great. FSH raised and testosterone low. Which as the letter said suggests "his testes are not producing sperm".

Not producing sperm. We have nothing to work with. The journey just got that whole bit more difficult. And it sucks.

A friend told me to not overthink it too much until our review appointment on the 14th of Sept and she's right. I'm not holding my breath for a miracle now though. The Fella we just have to accept the fact that he doesn't have sperm and consider the next option.

Unbelievably he still seems ok with the idea of donor sperm. Or maybe resigned to the fact is a better word. We had a bit of a talk about it last night and he says he will treat the child just like it was his it just won't be. I said I didn't want him to feel trapped or forced into it or anything like that (I was crying by this point) and he said he didn't really have much choice which freaked me out. Then he said he knew I really wanted a baby and this was the compromise he had to make. I love the guy so much. I asked him if he didn't want to go through with would he tell me and he assured me he would. Like he said if we can get through this 'baby thing' we can get through anything.

I love that he is supportive of this.

To be honest though I haven't even really thought the whole donor thing through properly and we don't know if thats even what the doc will tell us but doesn't hurt to have had that conversation.

EEEk its all so full on!!! And in amongst it all my mother rings! Talk about timing and of course she wanted to know how things were going so I just mumbled a thing or two about bad test results and not really knowing much, while holding back tears because I just didn't want to go there right now.

Anyway that's that.

Then there's the visit to the surgeon earlier in the week. Looking like my knee will be op'd on late October / early November. Good news really. Will need 4-6wks of work which given the time of year will probably mean that I won't go back until next year and that means 3mths off work!!! Mean!! Just what I need methinks a break to recover and recharge the enthusiasm for next year. Especially if I've stuck at that same school with those same complaining dingbats. Oh the joy of it.

So that's me this week.

How's everyone else :)