Conversations

As you can imagine we've had some heavy conversations in this house hold lately.

Usually at the most random of times like this morning when the Fella was in the shower.

Everytime I'm on tenderhooks waiting for him to say he's not keen on donor or thinks we should break up.

I realise that sounds pessimistic of me however that's reality right now. I can't continue along like everything is going to be fine and dandy. Its what I hope it will be like but I also have to prepare myself for other outcomes.

As a couple we love each other and are as strong as ever sometimes though difficult decisions might have to be reached. Like if the Fella decides he can't go through with donor sperm then I'm not sure our relationship will survive. Neither of us want that to happen but know that I'm never going to survive without children.

He knows this and takes this into account. In fact its probably the biggest driver in his decisions.

He's really good at talking to people about his problems and I like that but part of me worries that the more opinions he gets the more likely he is to over think it and change his mind. That is TOTALLY within his rights too I can't make him do something he doesn't want to do of course.

Is this making sense? Gah I'm not if I can make sense of this or not. I can't believe I'm so focussed on having a baby that using a strangers sperm doesn't even waiver me. How fucked in the head am I?

Am I fucked in the head?

I'm trying to not make a deal about it in my head and telling myself that genetics is only a small part and that any child we have will be 'ours' through and through.

I simple cannot fathom a childless life. I cannot fathom a life of being just the 'aunty' to everyone elses children. Its not me. I love my friends children but I don't love them like they're mine.

Despite this stress I'm actually doing ok and can function normally like nothing major is happening in my life believe it or not.