All week long on the drive home I've been conjuring up posts in my head. But then I get home and life takes over and I don't get around to doing it. Which is probably a good thing because most of the posts would've been about how wretched I felt at that particular moment and how unfair life is.
And one particular post would've been about how I wanted to slap the pregnant chick in my netball team who is having her 4th child and two weeks ahead of where I would've been. How at training she could do nothing but complain about her tiny belly and how fat she was and blah blah. Seriously I've been pretty good at not letting that shit get to me but that night I just wanted to SCREAM at her to stop being so ungrateful and that I would KILL to be in her position rather than have it all cruelly ripped away from me. What I did do was keep composed and bite my tongue...and had a wee cry in the car.
The whole incident made me think about the word resilience. At school I've got this kid in my class who lacks any real resilience when it comes to most things. Struggles to deal with being given instructions that aren't to their liking, sulks and so forth. So us professionals have been discussing resilience a bit.
What is resilience?
It's dealing with the above team member on a twice weekly basis, smiling and taking part of the conversation like nothing ever happened in the month before.
It's knowing one of your close friends is exactly the same pregnant as you would've been and not curling up in bed for ever.
It's seeing a pregnant person smiling and bouncing along like they've not got a care in the world and ignoring it.
It's having a member of staff you work with announce in the staffroom that their daughter is expecting February and it's twins and that their other daughter is expecting in January. And then another one pipes up and says they've got another grand child on the way due to a whoops moment AND not crying that YOU were having twins in January so YOU know what that feeling is like when you are told you're having twins.
It's smiling when another member of staff quizzes you on marriage and 'you will have a family though won't you?' and you say through gritted teeth without revealing an ounce of what you've been through that 'yes' we will have a family. (Never mind had the world been FAIR you would've had your ENTIRE family by now and be sending one to school by now).
It's attending your follow up apt with the specialist and allowing a glimmer of hope to creep in that maybe just maybe next time this all might become a distant but painful memory. Just maybe.
That appointment was on Thursday and I think it went well. He was every so lovely about the fact it hadn't worked out. So much so I could've cried if I'm honest. We didn't really talk much about the loss other than that it all looked ok when it was removed. He just said that sometimes with twins particularly identical ones that if something is wrong with one it's wrong with both.
What we mainly discussed was the next IVF which we have to pay for. And will be paying for. At this stage I have mentally committed to one round then I will go from there. I am seriously considering stopping if this time doesn't prove to work out. I have to draw the line somewhere otherwise I'm going to waste another 5 years living in limbo. And The Fella wants to travel. So do I if I can't have a family then I will travel.
So the plan for the next IVF is to slightly lower the gonal dose to try and stop me over charging in the egg dept. The rest of that part of the protocol is as per last time. We know egg and sperm meet up and make good embryos we just don't know what's happening at implantation. One 'positive' is that each time I get further - chemical, early miscarriage so chances are this time it will work ok. But we don't have that luxury of just winging it. Hence the Colorado protocol being used as well. Asprin for blood flow, antibiotics to stop infection and steroids to stop my immune system fighting it off.
Going in all guns blazing and getting me a baby. I'm happy he's making changes and it helps convince the Fella that we should be spending 13k to do this. He wasn't happy spending that money if we were going same same.
In terms of recovery from d&c I'm pretty much back to normal. I've got energy to burn and back into exercise. I found some motivation to do some things around the house that I'd been putting off. I got what might be called a period exactly a month following the procedure. My hormone is still coming down though so I guess there won't be ov until that's sorted. Last week it was 28 and then this one just gone 14 so hopefully in another week it'll be gone. At present predictions are looking good for being able to run EC during my next school hols. But that's if AF behaves and comes at the right time. I could start it next cycle but have some work things on that need attending to. And I want to see what happens with cycle first.
And that's the plan stan.
No comments:
Post a Comment