Vent Central

Before I vent to my hearts content please be away that my period will be starting tomorrow and hormones are a-raging so some of what I say is really jacked up on surges and probably not as bad in the cold light of day.

My boyfriend can be a DICK.

Seriously. A dick.

Particularly today. He's a right PRICK.

And tomorrow when I try to make him aware of how he made me feel right now I won't be able to articulate what I'm thinking and he'll end up making me feel silly.

But tonight I'm bloody pissed off with him. I don't understand how fucking hard it is to just say that you're going out with the friend who showed up for a drink instead of just walking out the fucking door and getting in the car. And had I not walked out from the bedroom where the light was on and I was clearly up to ask I wouldn't have known. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't even see me. Like I'm not there. Like all I am is someone else living in the house who cooks and cleans and is generally his servant.

I'm not fucked off he went out at all but a little common courtesy goes a long way. One sentence eg "X and I are going up to Y's place" would've been sufficient. Not walk out the door into the car and then when asked what you're up to reply "I thought my mother lived in Australia".

It took all my will not to scream. There was a witness after all.

FUCKKKKK!!!!!!! Grrrrr. I know its just my period fucking me up but my word I want to break something. And cry.

He wonders why I feel insecure half the time when he treats me like this.

I don't like to write it down but I will. Sometimes lately I wonder if I'm fighting a losing battle in this relationship. I wonder if its really worth carrying on if this is how its going to be. I wonder if he's just pushing me so I'll go and then I wonder if I left would he even give two fucks? Like would he really even care that much. It doesn't feel like it right now.

Why does life have to be so bloody hard. Why does having a baby have to be so hard? It consumes my mine over and over to the point where I'm just hypersensitive to anything. God I've never felt so insecure in my life! I'm terrified that he's going to leave me and at 30 I'm going to be starting all over again. That I'll never be happy again. I'm scared he's going to give up on 'us'. Who would blame him? I've been so selfish.

I feel like such a failure. I love a man who doesn't want to marry and I blame myself even though I know its not me at all. I think why aren't I good enough for you to want to change your mind despite your father's marriage misfortunes.

And then I'm FAT. Since that stupid leg operation I've put on weight and I can't seem to get it going. I can't seem to control what I eat.

Geez I'm a mess.

And I've blown it waaaay out of proportion.

Sometimes I just feel like we're on a different page.

I'm sure its all going to be fine. Just really needed to cry that one out.

Thanks for listening.