2nd jan

Over Xmas I despaired a little bit about how much and what I was eating. I decided that there was no point worrying until the second of January because the first I was allowing myself to eat whatever thanks to wines the night before.

Today is the second. I feel motivated about this year to come. I have to be its that simple. My leg is getting better daily and hopefully we're only three mths away from sperm donor stuff. Work is going to a challenge to say the least but that's ok too.

I didn't feel so great a couple days ago though. The Fella and I somehow managed to have a difference of opinion New Year's Eve morning. Quite rare for us but he got real upset and said a couple things that cut deep.
I quote "it just shows me we're going in different paths" to which I asked what that meant .... "We've got nothing in common

Wtf? Say what?
Then being a man he strode off for a shower and that was the end of the conversation.

Sooo I lay in bed contemplating what to do next. I thought about what that all meant. I thought about whether it was worth carrying on if that's his feelings. I thought about what I should do. I questioned whether or not I wanted to be around him right then or forever more. I didn't know what to do. I badly wanted to in my car and get away for the night since it was nye and I didn't feel like feeling so upset and hurt while trying to put on the face of ok at the party we were going to.

I couldn't think straight. To me his words sounded like he didn't want a bar of me or us any longer. The air hung with this foreboding that said 'hurry up and have that conversation already'. I couldn't start it. He was quite upset and it would've just started an even bigger argument.

So I brooded for a bit. He fluffed around the house doing accounts and paperwork. Our house is small so there is no avoiding each other and it was windy so I couldn't even sit outside. After about an hr he asked for help with something. Then it was like nothing had happened. He noticed I had been crying so he have me a hug and laughed and told me he wasn't going to break up with me that he'd had his vent and it was all ok.

Right.

Those were some pretty sharp words my friend. Words which made me feel awful all day. They made me question everything in my life.

The rest of the day proceeded without any drama. I remained reserved for the most part trying to work through how I was feeling.

Yesterday was fine. Life was normal. He assured me he loves me, that he wants me here.

I will have to broach the subject that begs to be asked though. I will have to seriously ask him if he can go through with this sperm donor stuff and if he can't well we're going to have look at our direction. I can't live childless. And I don't think it's to much that I ask that he supports me in what I want. I know that it's not easy for him and I was ALWAYS cherish him for supporting me.

I wish it didn't have to be this bloody hard. My life is so fraught with inner tension about the next few mths. It's crazy. Then I think about work and almost have a meltdown lol.

Anyway point being we had a little blip but we're ok at present. I had to blog about it because it was plaguing my mind.

2013 promises to be a year of change in whatever form that may be....