Right now things are far too 'blah' to really get into the nitty gritty. I'm really only just holding it together.
Friday's appt went as expected. 2 options - do a biopsy with a 5-10% chance of finding anything or donor sperm.
Pretty much what I thought he'd say. We're on the donor list because its a 12mth wait. This guts me of course. If we decide to do a biopsy then we can get that done pretty quickly.
Obviously its not my balls getting slices open and prodded so I told the fella its entirely up to him. He's not really that into the idea especially with such low odds. Then he said he wasn't sure about the whole thing full stop. He wasn't sure about raising a child that isn't genetically his. He was having a VERY hard time getting his head around it and didn't know what to do. He even said he's considered paying me my half and sending me on my way. He said this not in a horrible way but meaning that he didn't want me to stay and be unhappy. That I couldn't stay because I'll always want children and that it'd be hard but for the best.
I realise this sounds really bad and it is but this is where infertility has left us.
With a real possibility that 7 years of love and fun and my life is going to be flushed down the toilet.
I cried. And cried and cried. I try not to stop and think about it too much because its too overwhelming. We haven't spoken about it since. I'm too scared to bring it up.
I guess its just lucky we have 12mths to wait huh cos at least time is not a pressure.
Right now I find it hard to talk about and explain. I'm terrified of what life ahead holds for me and for us. I love him with all my heart and I'm trying to see it from his point of view. I agree this is major to deal with and maybe I just have tunnel vision about it because all I see is a baby and us as a family not how the baby came to be. I know he's thinking hard about it and won't take the decision lightly.
That's all I can say for now. Despite this hump we're fine in general.
Gah!!!
That sounds so, so, so tough. I really feel for you. I remember at one point this predicament was discussed and my husband was adament that he would never agree to the use of donor sperm and I was devastated (even though it was just a discussion). I can't imagine being faced with this as a reality. I think it is good you are giving him a chance to really think about things. Hope you can come to a decision that you are both content with. Huge hugs and hang in there!
ReplyDeletePS: I have friends who have used donor sperm if you ever wanted to talk to someone who has been there, let me know and I'll put you in touch.
Lots of hugs being sent your way. I can only imagine what you are going through right now. Such a tough situation and there are no easy answers. I hope that you can both come to a decision that you can both live with happily. I know it will take time but you will get there. xx
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you both. My husband and I have been through a very similar situation and I would love to be able to share our story with you. I know when we were at the same place as you that I wanted to talk to someone who understood and had been there. I remember phone calls with stranger in Auckland and it helped me so much. Can I email you? Maryanne
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment. Would be nice to hear another's experience. My email is tasmissb@yahoo.com.
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