Bubbling below the surface

A lady on the forums is going through the same thing we just did. They had to make a hard decision like us. 

I have done my best to support her even though I don't 'know' her well on the forum. 

But I'll be honest it has dragged up a lot, and I mean a LOT, of stuff for me. I was doing quite well until this happened to her. All the events of 7 wks ago came back into focus and my mind keeps floating back to certain aspects. It's upsetting me in a huge way. I can feel it bubbling away just beneath the surface and I'm exhausted by it. On the outside I come across as generally normal but inside I'm constantly fighting myself. Fighting guilt and stress. Guilt when I just want to be selfish and stay in the comfort of home, sticking to my routines instead of socialising. I don't want to inane conversation about life. 

The stress comes because I seem normal and I tell people I'm ok, because mostly I am, so the expectation is I'll just do as I did before. I hate letting people down or feeling like I'm not contributing as I should. 

And then comes being tired. Which doesn't help with the regulation of my emotions and makes everything feel overwhelming. This week I've felt really unsettled and like I'm suspended in time. Waiting. Waiting for I don't know what. 

Yesterday I got a discharge letter from the hospital stating we didn't need a follow up appointment. It was the straw that broke the camel's back. I cried and cried. It was what I'd been waiting for for the last 7 wks and they tell me there is no appointment! I'd been suspended in time fir that appointment so I could start thinking about.....about something else. It was also why we didn't collect Paige's ashes yet. And it made me feel like the worlds worst mother for leaving my child in the mortuary like I didn't care. All this time! And last week I had holidays. I would've gone and got her. I almost did but forced myself to wait. I should've trusted my gut. So now I'm having to figure out getting her home. And it's thrown me so much I couldn't even ring them today, I was too emotional. 

I promised myself I'd keep positive through all of this. Initially I had so much optimism about my future but now I'm just outright scared. Scared like always that my only shot at parenthood has been and gone. That this is my experience forever. 

I'm so frightened that I can't even bring up the conversation with the Fella. I tried to talk about the foster care stuff and almost cried. It made me sit back and think about whether I'm really ready for it yet or is it grief clouding my judgement. 

I think another Ivf should come beforehand. Somehow I have approach that. 

Right now though I can't really think further than a couple weeks ahead. My brain just can't handle shit like it used to. I said to the Fella last night I have to get rid of some commitments soon as I just can't handle the load any more. I used to be able to juggle all the balls but not  right now. I know I'll get better and back to my usual self one day. 

I just have to ride out this hump in the road of grief.