Did it really happen?

Did I really lose the most precious thing I ever had?

Life just feels so surreal. It's like the last 6mths never happened. Like I was never lucky enough to experience 20wks of pregnancy joy. I still can't believe this shit even happened to me.

I hurt but I'm also so numb too.

Paige was the most precious thing I ever knew. She was going to be our little light, she was going to help me to remember that good things happen to good people.
Except yet again something bad happened to good people.

Why is that?

Doesn't pay to go down that route at the moment.

It just plain sucks. Sucky suck suck.

For the most part I do ok. I get up, go to work, function like a normal person, go to the gym or netball training. I come home and cook dinner, clean the house, do the washing, catch up on school stuff. I function like a normal person.
Then there's the other part of me that just hurts. That thinks that this is so unfair. Why me? Why did I have to lose MY baby when everyone else I know gets to keep theirs? I feel lost. I keep saying it but life as I saw it isn't what I thought it would be and that's confusing to say the least.

I guess I'm at the angry phase of grief today. I am royally pissed off.

So to continue the saga about Paige's ashes and no follow up appointment. I finally got the guts up after about 4 days to call and arrange for her ashes to be transported to a hospital closer to home. No sooner had I done that than I get a call from the hospital to arrange a follow up appointment! WTF? The letter said no appointment required. Argh!!!
Great but oh man I had stewed and been upset for days after that letter. So then of course now I have Paige's ashes in one place and the dang appointment in another whole other city.
Not to worry. We will get it sorted and by 25th May we would've had our appointment and have her home with us finally.
Maybe then I'll feel calmer and will be able to look forward.

In amongst all that was Mother's day. I didn't want to care but with it being plastered all over the media it was just in my face ALL THE TIME! Seriously. I'm pretty sure it was what was contributing to my unsettled behaviour the week before. I was stressed about calling my own mother because I was feeling really awful about the day but didn't want her to know and I was worried that someone would make a fuss  about it all. Turns out it was ok. At first I was pretty uptight but I went for a run (great reflection time) then threw myself into the garden for a bit. A friend sent me a msg on facebook to say she was thinking of me and that the day would be hard - that was what it took to make me settle. She, who is not a mother herself yet, remembered and acknowledged how I would be feeling. She made it count. It's not that I expected some big deal or anything and I didn't truly know if I really wanted anyone to make a deal out of it, I'm pretty sure if it'd been my family I would've brushed it off but she was a random person so I dunno it felt ok.
Anyway following that a couple other people gently acknowledged too which helped.

So there we have it. I survived Mother's Day. Next hurdle is the next school holidays and due date. That's pretty intense because I was fully focussed on that time in order to survive working. Then it's Xmas.

And that my friends is where we are at in the journey of grief today.