Hollow

My mind has been wandering again to the topic of 'It's not fair that I'm not having a baby right now'. I think about my MC and subsequent months after and I feel really hollow. Almost devoid of any feeling.

I really TRY to not let my mind wander to that place very often because I genuinely feel it's not very healthy for me to keep wanting to change something that actually cannot be changed. Yes grief is weird and wonderful and strange and I know that this is me still feeling grief to a certain degree. However, of the very few things I can still control around this area of my life I have taken control of it and put it in it's place. Most of the time.

The hollow feeling makes me not want to think nor talk about losing my babies nor the future of me having babies. It's like there's this wall built up around that topic. IVF number 2 sealed that wall I must admit. Before I had some hope that not all was lost but after that disaster I'm now hollow. Hope has all disappeared into who know's where and I exist.

I can understand why infertility and loss are so unknown to many living in a 'normal' fertility world. No one talks about it because it's so damn HARD to go there. No body wants to be 'that' person who becomes the debbie downer of a conversation. No one wants to talk about it and receive all the well meant sympathetic and kind words. I certainly don't want to make myself the centre of attention on that particular topic. Pre IVF #2 I could handle discussing it, answering the questions, putting up with well meant comments...suggestions. Now I don't even want to go there. I don't want to have to try think of a diplomatic way to reply to 'miracles can happen' (no they can't when you HAVE to use a sperm donor my friend) and 'look at such and such...tried so long...rah rah' (again sperm donor....enough said).

Like I've said in prior posts I just can't see how IVF3 will have any different an outcome to the other 2. Especially when FET 1 for both rounds ended in chemical pregnancies. This makes me believe that if I only get one embryo from my next round then it's going to be a bust. THEN there's that whole thing to think about. The amount of bloody embryo's we end up with.

I know I really need to pull my shit together mentally before going for a 3rd round as this kind of attitude isn't really healthy. Mentally I'm generally doing ok aside from this hollow part of me. I'm throwing myself into exercising again and attempting to lose a few kgs that crept on. I figure since I don't have kids and just a darling man to care for I can spare more time for exercise after work. My goal is to lose 6kg before the school holidays in April. Well that's what I put in the new pedometer app I downloaded today anyway. Whether I'm lucky enough remains to be seen. I've also gone on a 6-8wk drinking break again. Alcohol is my main enemy when it comes to weight gain and I've proven I can go without for long periods of time so might as well try again.

Wish me luck....