January Due

January.....I was determined that it wasn't going to be this big deal. When I lost my babies it wasn't going to be deal to get to now and not be pregnant. I mean I'd hardly been pregnant really. And I didn't have a tummy to say goodbye to or anything like that. Unless I told people they wouldn't have known.

I didn't want to dwell and mourn for too long. And I haven't. I think I've been pretty good really. A couple months were pretty hard at the start but now I'm pretty indifferent to it all.

However, today all of a sudden while running I suddenly thought 'You know what? This isn't actually FAIR!' Right now its the middle of a stunning summer and I'm meant to be nesting with this giant belly, wallowing in how hot I am or whatever it is pregnant people do at this point. In a couple weeks I'd be greeting my lil ones and thinking of nothing but the bliss of finally getting the prize.
Except I'm not. I'm mooching around looking at my bloated tummy from too many xmas drinks, chocolate or whatever and thinking about the fastest way I can get that shite back down to it's pre xmas 6wks off the drink glory, without actually taking 6 wks off the drink.

Thankfully I don't feel the need to cry or get angry and emotional about it, about this how due date thing but it's just 'there'. Simmering under the skin, just there enough to make me remember what I've lost and what I may NEVER have. Now the never part cuts deep. That's the part that hurts me the most. I don't think of that right now. I think towards Feb 5th and my next appt. I think towards saving the money up. I don't think about when my next IVF might be. That's months away. I don't think about the friends who are due any day, any minute, the day after me.

I thank the universe that I start work that week. The last week in January. So I'll be distracted. I'll be ok because I'll be busy. I just feel like this now because I'm not busy. I've exhausted my list of holiday jobs, I'm mooching around the house.

And that takes me onto the guilt thing I've got going on. Guilt. I feel it when I spend the day watching movies like today. I feel it if I don't exercise. I feel it if I don't eat right. I feel it if I decide to hell with the world and drink wine to excess. I feel like I'm in this constant battle with my body. I'm proud that I've managed to lose a lot of weight (well a lot for me). I enjoy the compliments given to me about how good I'm looking. But I hate that I'm analysing (over analysing) everything I do. Its like I'm too afraid to live normally.

Stupid huh.

So that's me right now. Despite the tone I am actually in a great place right now. The summer has been a stunner. I'm enjoying the weather and catching up with long lost friends etc. I guess I only blog with something is bothering me like now.

I will love and leave now. There's jobs to do and a stinking meeting to attend tonight. Perhaps when that's done I'll feel better!