Feeling the Loss

Its the little things that sometimes hurt the most.

For example looking at one's blog via a computer not phone and realising with an ache in the heart that the ticker is still there and that the ticker needs to go. It's gone but it sucks.

Since the 'procedure' I feel like I've been assaulted with one germ after another. My magic pregnancy protection has left me and boom every resident bug came on board. Wednesday the Fella woke in the night with a roaring stomach bug which lasted a couple days. I woke with glands on my neck the size of tennis balls. Fearing a connection to surgery I took myself off to the doctor to discover I was fine and it was unrelated and just a cold. Thursday the Fella felt better but my face again was the size of a basketball. Way to feel attractive huh. Thankfully they went down over time but close behind came the cold which I'm still suffering from. In amongst that I went away to visit friends and ended up with the stomach bug too. Luckily mine was mild compared to the Fella and only lasted 12hrs but still wrung me out to dry.

I'm still spotting brown stuff on the liner. Nothing too major just a pain in the neck more than anything. That coupled with the cold and mild ab pain is not making for a happy lady right here. My stomach still resembles the look of a 10wk pregnant woman and feels bloated. I've been eating terribly but have decided to snap myself out of that as of today.

Anyway back to my point which is how I'm feeling. To be honest its pretty low. I guess the fact I don't feel well physically right now  it hard to move on mentally if that makes sense. I just want to throw myself into house stuff and garden stuff and anything to distract myself from the fact I lost my babies but my body won't let me. Yesterday I got into the garden but today my body told me that was too much so I've sloped around the house doing school crap and nothing much exciting.

I'm functioning, interacting but I don't feel like I'm living much. This feeling will pass I know it will I just have to ride it out and hope like crazy I don't go mad in the process. I want to feel like there's hope again. I see the specialist on 7th August to discuss what happened and I guess next steps. I'm scared that next time it won't work. That we'll be worse off than ever. I've drawn a line in the sand. We'll pay for one round and if that doesn't work well then I will have to reassess my lot in life.

And that is what I am struggling mentally to get past. Not losing my babies. They obviously weren't meant to be and nature did its thing. That part by no means is easy but I get it. I'm struggling with what comes when it all stops and there isn't another pregnancy or baby or anything like that.

How on earth one can make that decision is beyond me. It terrifies me actually so for now I live for the moment. Try to process what I've been through and hope that things look brighter tomorrow and the next day.