Processing

Here I am 3 days post awful scan.

I've had some time to process everything that went with that.

The babies share a placenta making them mono-di and at risk of twin-twin transfusion syndrome if there is in fact any babies continuing to grow. Stupidly googgled too much and find a mixed bag of information. To be honest I haven't really thought too deeply about it all. I did it more out of interest and curiosity.

I have thought a lot about the fact there were no heartbeats. The fact that the fertility nurse said its not looking good. That alone has had me mentally preparing myself for the worst come Wednesday's scan. Thursday was terrible. I looked terrible. I felt terrible. I was heartbroken. I am heartbroken. On Friday I saw a few people, had some conversations and I slowly began to accept my fate. Yesterday was the same.

I figure the more I keep saying it the more I will come to accept that Wednesday will not be the happy ending nor miracle that most other people are hoping for.

Seriously everyone I've spoken too has been overjoyed about the twins and so optimistic that it was too early that it actually makes me sick. I just want to scream at them to stop being so optimistic that its over and I am breaking in two.

What scares me is the miscarriage. I'm terrified it will happen when I least expect it. That one day I'm going to go to the loo and there'll be blood there. And as much as I tell myself its over and this will happen my reaction at the time will be less than controlled. That I'll be at work and lose my shit. I'm scared that it will hurt. I'm scared that I'll never feel good again. That I'll feel like this forever. That I'll feel empty and I will just continue to exist in the world.

The pain in my heart is so strong. I walk around screaming inside all the time.

And I'm SO angry at the world. Angry because yep ok sometimes miscarriage happens thats normal but WHY does it have to happen to us. Why after ivf, a sperm donor and our last embryo does it have to happen to us? What am I doing wrong? What lesson am I meant to learn?
I'm angry because of what we will have to do get back to this point and we may NEVER get back to this point. I'm picking we have one more ivf in us (in me) before its time to call it quits and start living a life without children. The thought makes me sick. It truly does. I don't want to grow old with no one to care for me. I don't want to feel bitter everytime someone else announces they're pregnant.

I want to crawl under my duvet and never come out. It hurts to be me right now and I wish it didn't.